“A Jerk in the Time Space Continuum Dissects
Match Report
And Delays Howarth’s Sizzling Century
Celebrations”
Match: 07 / 145
Lost by 5 wkts
|
Team |
Total |
|
FFTMCC |
174 - 8 |
|
I.
Howarth 112, J. Hoskins
16 |
|
|
|
|
|
Wootton & Boars Hill CC |
175 - 5 |
|
A.
Fisher 2 - 21 |
|
|
SNAP
Morler’s
would be asked to judge James’ match report on its poetic content. Life of a coin 1998: Minted - 50p - not your copper crap Future ahead of me Visions of Grandeur - maybe I’d make up that .99 of an
Aston Martin Vantage Or a house even Everyone needs the .99 1999: Used as change in a pier-side fruit machine in
Blackpool Stacked For Years In a tube A plastic tube 2003: Won by a Chav – Jackpot I will have you know 2003: Used by a Chav buying RIZLA papers in Tesco 2003: Some Barrow Boy “Change this up love, playing
pool with the lads tonight” Never even made it to the pool table It cost a quid Spent Four Years on a bedside table A Pine bedside table 2007: “We need more baby puree – grab some change –
there, on the table, we can get it on the way to the game” It cost a quid “Who’s got a coin? And it better be lucky” Tossed Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee – life at last Blood rushing to my Queen’s head Crash to the ground How can ‘I’ be wrong – it wasn’t my fault? Thrown Into a wood Near a railway line Awaiting climate change, global warming, planetary
meltdown and rebirth of the human race – 20,000 years or so – ho hum Stacked, Spent, Changed, Tossed, Unused, Discarded,
Waiting It’s tough being a coin – it wasn’t even MY fault. Rate that, Morlers.
I. Howarth
practices his forward defensive. SNAP [Coin] The toss was won, for a change. Still waiting. On my
own. SNAP [Howarth] I’m sure I must be near Titanick and I put on 56 (N. Hebbes fine display of leg
sweeps 12) and I didn’t hang about Hoskers came in, and despite facing the Shoab of
Wootton and Boars Hill he actually played some half decent shots (J. Hoskins
16) I didn’t hang about Did they clap the fifty. Shit, am I even on fifty? I’m not bloody asking. The cunts will only fine me. SNAP [Bullock] Hmmmm… there might be something odd here I don’t know what he’s on – hold on Was that a bye? SNAP [Edwards] Duck, bowled by Crapper This is gonna cost. (D. Edwards 0) SNAP [Bullock] I love keeping wicket Not quite sure what happened with the scoring Note to self – check out CAMRA pubs in Eastbourne I don’t know what Spam is on – too late now.
D. Edwards
(right) tallies up his runs for the day…. SNAP [Howarth] Sod ‘em 99 97 50 42 15 Can’t even be bothered to clap – CUNTS! (I. Howarth
112) [Carter] Well I didn’t actually think I’d get a bat with Edwards
and Howarth at the crease I hope my car is still there. (G. Carter 7) [Fisher] Bowler Fisher? Fisher Bowler? Batter Fisher? Fish
Batter? Whichever way I look at it, it’s a fine Self importance Self importance Self importance I invented it Live the dream. (A. Fisher 11*) [Clarke] Great Two games Two days One weekend One run But I took a wicket yesterday Castled – did I tell you? (M. Clarke 0) [Bullock] It was a bye I don’t even like scoring. (M. Bullock 1) [Morley] It’s like the red arrows round here. (A. Morley 0)
M. Clarke
de-pads after a mammoth contribution to The MAD innings. SNAP [Kev] Ode to the red onion Red onions are cool Red onions rule Red onions go with everything Red onions make my heart sing Was I just Kevved? SNAP [Shorten] Twenty bloody nine batting number nine What more do I have to do? Bang bang bang bang bang bang Nice lines nice legs nice bounce nice pace Bang bang bang bang bang bang Nice lines nice legs nice hangtime nice pace Bang bang bang bang bang bang Nice legs nice length nice pace Bang bang bang bang bang bang Nice maiden Bang bang bang bang bang bang Nice over Again Bang bang bang bang bang bang Nice Bang bang bang bang bang bang No wicket Where’s the justice? Nice forest. (D. Shorten 7-1-24-0) [Clarke] Sheeeeeeeet opening bowler? Nick’s not the only one that thinks you’re kidding Pharp I took a wicket yesterday – did I tell you? (M. Clarke
5.4-0-45-0)
A. Fisher
found it relatively easy to hit a static floating ball. SNAP [Edwards] Spell Caster Kazoom. (D. Edwards 5-0-30-1) SNAP [Benisek] This game is cool Nobody told me the ball would be spinning When do I bat? [All] I wish their opener would stop hitting the bloody ball
so hard And into SPACES. (D. Wiskin 95) SNAP “We can now go back to the pub as losers, or we can go
back to the pub later as winners” Fuck, I so wanted to win after that. [Ball] Can’t these idiots’ catch? [Hebbes] Consistent Consistent Consistent Maybe I’m spending too much time in Germany? (N. Hebbes
4-0-19-1) [Fisher] Lure him in Lure him in Lure him in HOWZAT – OUT? OUT? Out? Are you serious…. HA HA (A.
Fisher 4-0-21-2)
A shame Ian’s
ton was only witnessed by a handful of MAD and a smelly black dog. [Changing room] Phrases Lost? Like tears In rain Apart from the low batting score despite a remarkable
century, The bad fielding with eight dropped catches, And the comedy fielding, We should have won that game. SNAP In another Universe We did. ‘Hoskers’
|
*
Statto Scorecards
|
Far from the MCC versus Wootton & Boars Hill CC Played at Pembroke College, 12 August
2007 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Wootton & Boars Hill CC won
by 5 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none |
07 / 145 35 over match |
|
Team |
Far from
the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
I. Howarth * |
c Hallet b Rogers |
112 |
(104) |
18 |
1 |
4-157 |
|
2 |
N. J. Hebbes |
b P. Wiskin |
12 |
(38) |
1 |
- |
1-56 |
|
3 |
J. D. Hoskins |
b Fisher |
16 |
(21) |
2 |
- |
2-126 |
|
4 |
D. M. Edwards |
b Crapper |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
3-132 |
|
5 |
G. Carter |
b Fisher |
7 |
(9) |
1 |
- |
5-163 |
|
6 |
A. J. Fisher |
not out |
11 |
(19) |
2 |
- |
- |
|
7 |
M. D. Clarke |
c P. Wiskin b Ryder |
0 |
(5) |
- |
- |
6-165 |
|
8 |
M. Bullock + |
c Crapper b Rogers |
2 |
(8) |
- |
- |
7-167 |
|
9 |
A. Morley |
c P. Wiskin b Ryder |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
8-174 |
|
10 |
P. Benisek |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
D. Shorten |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(W7, LB4, B3) |
14 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 8 wickets, 35 overs) |
174 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Spillsbury |
4 |
1 |
14 |
0 |
|
|
2 |
Gelly |
4 |
0 |
23 |
0 |
|
|
3 |
M. Wiskin |
6 |
1 |
31 |
0 |
|
|
4 |
P. Wiskin |
4 |
0 |
13 |
1 |
|
|
5 |
Fisher |
6 |
1 |
36 |
2 |
|
|
6 |
Crapper |
4 |
0 |
26 |
1 |
|
|
7 |
Rogers |
4 |
1 |
15 |
2 |
|
|
8 |
Ryder |
3 |
1 |
8 |
2 |
|
|
Team |
Wootton
& Boars Hill CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
P. Wiskin * |
c Edwards b Fisher |
95 |
|
|
|
4-148 |
|
2 |
G. Crapper |
c Shorten b Hebbes |
17 |
|
|
|
1-70 |
|
3 |
D. Spillsbury |
b Hoskins |
4 |
|
|
|
2-86 |
|
4 |
S. Pethick + |
b Edwards |
7 |
|
|
|
3-107 |
|
5 |
J. Fisher |
not out |
15 |
|
|
|
- |
|
6 |
J. Rogers |
lbw b Fisher |
1 |
|
|
|
5-155 |
|
7 |
A. Hallet |
not out |
13 |
|
|
|
- |
|
8 |
S. Gelly |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
9 |
O. Abbot |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
M. Wiskin |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
Ryder |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(NB6, W10, LB3, B4) |
23 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 5 wickets, 32.4 overs) |
175 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Shorten |
7 |
1 |
24 |
0 |
|
|
2 |
Clarke |
5.4 |
0 |
45 |
0 |
|
|
3 |
Hebbes |
4 |
0 |
19 |
1 |
|
|
4 |
Hoskins |
7 |
1 |
30 |
1 |
|
|
5 |
Edwards |
5 |
0 |
30 |
1 |
|
|
6 |
Fisher |
4 |
0 |
21 |
2 |
|
|
MOTM: I. Howarth Champagne Moment: I. Howarth’s century
[to no applause] Buffet
Award: M. D. Clarke’s Peking roast
duck (in Szechwan sauce) |
Opposition:
V039 / 03 Ground: G011 / 48 Captain: C007 / 30 |