Far from the MCC fines 09.08.12 v Happisburgh CC (a) lost by 4 wkts

(Record Breaking) Recorded Fines

25p unless otherwise stated.

Name	Fine	Reason	Cost
Dave E	Failure to convert
	Hypochondriac	Shoulder injury... Bollocks!
	Bullying Small Child	Spam
	Giggling at Spam	See Spam's fines
	Opening Bowler, not bowling
	Self-Entrapment
	Blatant Lying		£1.00
	Smug
	Not taking Norfolk Seriously
	Losing Duck
	Abandoning Duck	In Oxford and in Norfolk
	Unimpressed with Norfolk	“It looks like a shithole”
	Comedy Dismissal
	Blagging Double Bed	In front of his driver and an “ill” Jake
	Fines Avoidance
	Harbouring
	Lots of Unnecessary Running	Running to non-strikers end while Paddy stood their admiring a shot that didn't reach the boundary and having to go back
	Continuing a collapse
	Getting out to shit
	Using up team luck *10		£2.50
	Wearing a hoodie in baking heat
	Weather confusion	"It's boiling out here, I better wrap up warm!"
	Trying to start bushfire	Irresponsible Cigarette disposal
	Can't add up
	Missing New Zealand
	Lack of Effort to save game
			£9.50
Matt	Wicket keeping avoidance
	Failure to convert
	Smug
	Tittering	To himself
	Failure to come out of slips	Blatant lazy tendencies
	Bewilderment	He did come out of the slips
	Stalking the Wicketkeeper	Jealousy
	Excessive Defensiveness
	Belt Abuse
	Not knowing what's going on
	Looking forward to crucifying skipper	See M. Reeves below
	Believing club has limitless funds
	Impersonating Dobner	Paddle sweep
	Running a clear dot ball	It reached the boundary
	Dissing fellow leggie
	Making 2's into 1's	Appalling running between wickets
	Exposing Dobner	To Pie
	Playing for drinks	Blocking out 20th over
	Copyright infringement
	Continuing a collapse	The 2nd one
	Not converting
	Getting out on Nelson	111
			£5.50
Mike R	Bowling Moo	He was shit
	Bowling Spam	He was shit
	Smug * 2		£0.50
	Baggy Hat Smugness
	Choking during fines
	Delighting in Team Misery	Over the sizes of these fines (soon to change)
	Delighting in Dan's misery	Batting at number 9
	Praying * 2		£0.50
	Making Matt field in the slips
	Harbouring * 2		£0.50
	Drumming fingers	Whilst getting “edgy”
	Leading Shorten off a cliff	Whilst looking at a lighthouse
	Premature Gavelling
	Wasting fielders
	Not utilising team assets
	Bragging
	Cob	At fines getting quite high
	Failure to break Dobner	In the field
	Ants in his pants
	Annoying Dan * 8	Making him bat number 9	£2.00
	Self-Entrapment
	Dissing team * 10		£2.50
	Running like a fat cunt * 2		£0.50
	Being a fat cunt
	Playing for drinks	Blocking out 20th over
	Poor square leg umpire
	Failure to achieve
	Trying to get out
	Using up team luck *10		£2.50
	Impersonating Paddy	Fat cunt
	Hitting out at child	Young Patsworth the bowler
	Getting out on Nelson	111
	Exposing Moo to Pie
	Dissing Self
	Instigating collapse	The 2nd one
	Failing to set record	Putting himself at no. 6 As easiest Tour record to break (26*)
	Lack of Communication * 10		£2.50
	Fines avoidance * 2	Looking at lighthouse instead	£0.50
	Bowling Moo from the wrong end
	Food avoidance	Looking at lighthouse instead
			£19.75
Moo	Instigating a collapse	Commenting on how well Paddy was batting (immediately out next ball)
	Ice Cream Van Ringtone * 2	Since discovered this was actually an ice cream van (not his phone)
	Dissing the Tail	“They’re shite”
	Sight screen frame moving	Moving the frame for Batsmen (very silly)
	Sight Screen Abuse	Asking batsman if he'd like it moved!!!
	Creepy behaviour
	Cob * 2		£0.50
	Nervous Tension	When waiting to bat
	Pre-empting Fines
	Dissing Oppo * 11		£2.75
	Impersonating Dobner	Paddle sweep
	Denial * 2		£0.50
	Lack of Effort
	Impersonating Worzel	Scarecrow
	Impersonating Adie Small
	Impersonating Mr Man
	Stealing Jake's Bed
	Dissing Jake's Clothes	“They smell like he got them from a sewer”
	Cob		£0.50
	Impersonating Richie Benaud	Commentating on shower temperature "Cold water, Hot water, cold water, ah, ahahahaha!!"
	Hysterical Cob * 2		£0.50
	Harbouring
	Streaking	Across the clubhouse in his Y-fronts
	Flashing Pensioners	The little old lady who lived in a clubhouse
	Bowling w/ sho	No idea what my notes say!!!
	Dissing Mike * 3		£0.75
	Yipping	Bowling a ball that bounced 4 times
	Self-Entrapment
	Taking Advice from Dog	In the field
	Parkinson	Angry cob	£1.00
	General Bestiality
	Dogstraction	Playing with dog in the field of play (throwing water bottle only to be returned)
	Talking through fines
			£13.00
Stevie D	Fantasy Fixing
	Bowler abuse	Attempting to kill oppo bowler
	One shot pony	Paddle sweep
	Using up team luck * 10		£2.50
	Causing Chairman respiratory distress
	Dissing Pie
	Cob
	Exposing captain to pie	Reeves hates facing pie
	Whinging
	Excessive Laziness	In field
	Playing wrong line
	Dissing self
	Dissing Norfolk
	Dissing Lego
	Bullying small child	As he walked past in Man Utd kit
	Comedy Fielding * 2		£0.50
	Mistaking tree for the ball
	Self-entrapment
	Canoeing	Paddle sweep
	Cob
	Amnesia
	Hypochondriac
	Impersonating Brabant	Paddle sweep
	Turning back on the game
	Plant Pot abuse	At The Hill House Inn
	Bringing Crap weather	A cloud appeared suddenly overhead as Steve parked at The Hill House Inn.
	Abusing the "MAD" files	Throwing Matt’s labour of love on the floor
	Creating Crop circles
	Not seeing out Tour	“I can’t afford it” etc
	Denial
	Driving in Wife's office
	Protecting Gary Littlechild from Spam
			£10.50
Paddy	Admiring Dot balls	That get hit to the open boundary and stop short of the rope
	Lack of running	see above
	Instigating a collapse	1st one
	Tarring others with own brush * 3	Accusing people of being lazy runners from the boundary	£0.75
	Secretive	About sleep machine thingy……… Shhh
	Unspecific	About somink'
	Inducing fines	What a C**T!!
	Yawning at Dan's batting * 2		£0.50
	Dissing self
	Being a cunt!!
	Self-Entrapment
	"Fucked if I know"	In response to most questions
	Noting down fines instead of fielding	How do you think we got so many!!
	Delay of game	As noting fines
	Knowing the "Time Warp"	The song
	Not actually being the "Time Warp" that was playing
	Comedy Keeping
	Annoying Mike
	Destroying Spam's lack of confidence	With overtly shit keeping
	Sledging Spam	Surely a refund!!
			£5.75
Jake	Dissing Norfolk
	Impersonating a naked Amish farmer
	Impersonating Torville and Dean	A quite tremendous pirouette was performed
	Impersonating Jesus	With his haircut (or lack of)
	Running like Jesus
	Abusing Oppo * 10		£2.50
	Taking pleasure in abusing oppo
	Living in a parallel dimension
	Phoning team at 3am	Pissed out of his mind and talking bollocks
	Dissing Hotel	See above
	Self-Entrapment
	Yawning at Dan's batting
	Attempting to burn down Norfolk	Smoking in the dry wheat field
	Smoking in the dry corn field	Idiot
	Trying to injure Fines Chairman * 2		£0.50
	Arguing * 6		£1.50
	Smug
	Showing off Botanical Knowledge
	Flag confusion
	Showering * 2		£0.50
	Whores Bath	Showering turned out to be top and tails in the sink
	Impersonating Timotei advert	Such Lustrous hair!
			£9.50
Spam	Whinging about the weather
	Dissing Bob
	Dissing Oppo * 11 * 2		£5.50
	Dissing Team * 10 * 4		£10.00
	Abandoning scoring	To take photos of fields
	Impersonating Dobner	Paddle sweep
	Pen Confusion	Blue pen / black pen it's really not that hard!
	Instigating a collapse	1st one - counting Paddy's score - next ball out!
	Stripping
	Dissing JMO * 2	“He’s a useless prick batting at number eleven!”	£0.50
	Record Grabbing git	All tour records
	Self-Entrapment * 2		£0.50
	Inducing Fines
	Cob
	Acting like God
	Racial Abuse of Norfolk folk	“They’re a backward bunch of clowns”
	Drop		£0.50
	Comedy Fielding * 2
	Talking to bowlers	Immediately they start bowling the same shit spam bowled
	Getting sledged by drinks carrier	“I’d have something stronger, mate – your day’s fucking shot already!”
	Opening Bowler, no wicket
	Fines Avoidance	Looking at lighthouse instead
	Food avoidance	Looking at lighthouse instead
	Arguing with the Fines Chairman	As per usual
	Harbouring	Dark thoughts about Paddy
	Ruining everyone’s Fantasy teams	By playing shit
	Leaving Dan stranded	By batting shit at number eleven
	Failure to get record	Batting at number eleven (19*)
	Failure to bat out overs	See above
	Boasting about strike rate	100!! But it was 3 off 3!!!!!!!!
	Bowling Body line with off side field and short leg side boundary
	Wheat Magnetism	The ball had it whenever spam bowled it!!!
	Delusional	“I bowled okay”
	Collapsing	Laughing at Stevie D’s fielding on the boundary
	Not paying attention during fines
	Cob
	Cob Denial
	Excessive happiness
	Impersonating Abramovich	Running up his fines, because he's so rich!!!
	Harbouring
			£25.75
Dave S	Cob * 4		£1.00
	Can't add up
	Dissing family	All farm labourers
	Batting out of character	Nervous nurdle crap
	Dissing self	His batting
	Needing a psychologist	Regarding his appalling batting form
	Arguing with the Fines Chairman
	Fines Avoidance	Looking at lighthouse instead
	Food avoidance	Looking at lighthouse instead
	Little Van envy
	Penis Extension for van	Required
	Puppy avoidance
	Praying * 4	Kept bringing his hands together in praying shape	£1.00
	Using a Ouija board * 2		£0.50
	Atheism
	Church avoidance
	Passive aggression	Aimed at Fines Chairman
	Not knowing relatives
	Delirious * 2		£0.50
	Lighthouse loving	We seem to have missed that opportunity to run up Spam and Mike further!!
	Harbouring
	Whimpering	Regarding his increasing fines
	Hat-trick avoidance
	Listening to Spam	When bowling
	Looking at sunset during fines	Wistfully
	Distracting fines
	Pub avoidance	Looking at lighthouse instead
	Endangering Kit * 11	Driving off cliffs, left, right and centre	£2.75
	Endangering the "MAD" Files	Driving off cliffs, left, right and centre
	Cross dressing
	Not cross dressing
	Dissing God
			£12.50
Dan	Overly Familiar with Norfolk
	Whinging * 7	Mostly at Mike Reeves or about Mike Reeves	£1.75
	Impersonating Boycott	When batting
	Debating crops
	Dissing Skipper	Repeatedly for dropping him down the order
	Dissing self
	Puppy avoidance
	Average Protection
	Caravan Avoidance
	Holiday Cottage avoidance
	Not having the biggest van on tour
	Impersonating a Farmer
	Inducing yawning * 3	Whilst batting	£0.75
	Van Envy
	Dying under sniper fire * 4	His fielding was hilarious (going down in stages like an old man)	£1.00
	Wishing skipper death	Mike Reeves
	Parkinson	Large cob	£1.00
			£7.75
Bob	Head in the clouds
	Self Confidence
	Being too short	For the wide one outside off stump
	Duck		£0.50
	Being visible from anywhere in Norfolk	That is one seriously flat county!!!
	Taller than the church	Photographic evidence to follow
	Hotel avoidance	Had to stay elsewhere on Wednesday night
	Impersonating lighthouse	In height
	Indecisive * 2		£0.50
	Smug * 2		£0.50
	Self-entrapment
	Batting with a matchstick
	Attacking fines chairman
	Parkinson Cob	Stamping on Fines Chairman's foot	£1.00
	Cob * 2		£0.50
	Harbouring
	Festering Cob
	Glaring at the fines chairman	With intent
	Redder than Emerson
	Muttering	About Fines Chairman
	Causing Dobner confusion
			£7.00
		TOTAL	£126.50

*

Special Rates

Indiscretion	Cost
Duck	£0.50
Golden Duck	£1.00
Diamond or Platinum Duck	£2.00
Out Playing Reverse-sweep / Switch-hit	£1.00
Dropped Catch	£0.50
Opening Bowler No Wicket	£0.50
Opening Partnership Avoidance	£0.50
Smoking on the Pitch	£0.50
Drinking on the Pitch	£0.50
Missed Stumping	£0.50
Missed Run-Out	£0.50
Fines' Folder Abuse	£0.50
Impersonating Billy Liar	£0.50
Having a Major Cob	£0.50
Having a Parkinson’s Cob (utter meltdown)	£1.00
Insulting the Fines Committee Chairman	£0.50
Insolvency / Unemployment (maximum limit) Known as the “Dobner Clause”	£1.00
Swearing in Front of Kids	£2.50
Bringing the Club into Disrepute (Ruled on by the Captain)	£5.00
Dissent (to On-field Umpires)	£5.00
Mongoose Multiplier (out using Goose)	x2