Far
from the MCC fines
25.05.14 v Harwell CC (a) lost by 65 runs
Recorded
Fines
25p unless otherwise stated.
Name |
Fine |
Reason |
Cost
|
Dave E |
Delighting
in his brother’s misfortune |
In the field |
|
|
Failure
to bring team home |
|
|
|
Cob |
|
|
|
Using
driftwood |
Instead of a decent bat |
|
|
Smug x 2 |
|
50p |
|
Gay
run-up |
He has shortened his natural run-up citing
fictional injuries |
|
|
Advocating
pie |
Bowling pie is shit – let’s face it |
|
|
Demolishing
the ground |
Pushing the sightscreen into a croquet area |
|
|
Extreme
hysteria |
|
50p |
|
Smoking
on the pitch |
|
50p |
|
Dissing
Mike Reeves |
“You’re a fucking grass!” |
50p |
|
Non-buffet
celebration |
Happy Mike copped it |
|
|
|
|
£4.00 |
Psycho |
Demolishing
the ground |
Pushing the sightscreen into a croquet area |
|
|
Cowardice |
Failing to get under a skier [catch] |
|
|
Straining
neck |
Doing fuck all |
|
|
Non-buffet
celebration |
Happy Mike copped it |
|
|
Failure
to bowl |
|
|
|
Being
lazy (see above) |
|
|
|
Not
getting involved |
In the match |
|
|
Totally
shit dismissal |
Embarrassing |
|
|
Smug |
|
|
|
Extreme
hysteria |
|
50p |
|
Gurning
during fines |
|
|
|
Looking
puzzled during fines |
And dim |
|
|
|
|
£3.25 |
Reevsie |
Bitching |
About the country’s banking system |
|
|
Drop |
|
50p |
|
Being a
banker |
On a Saturday |
|
|
Shrapnel
hogging |
Loads of small change in his treasury box |
|
|
Smug x 3 |
|
75p |
|
Hysteria
at fines |
|
|
|
Acting
completely out of character |
Loving
Mark Shelley x 2 |
50p |
|
Dropping
a ball on purpose |
Off Mark Shelley’s bowling |
|
|
Old feud
renewal |
With Mark Shelley |
|
|
Batting
avoidance |
He was hardly out there |
|
|
Predicting
buffet |
And getting it (off his bowling) |
|
|
Failure
to do anything |
Of substance |
|
|
Unsettling
stare |
At members of the Fines Committee |
|
|
|
|
£4.25 |
Dave S |
Average
protection |
|
|
|
Batting
out of character |
Not slogging and getting out |
|
|
Pub
avoidance |
Prior to the match |
|
|
Being a
posh builder |
He is the only one in the UK |
|
|
Hysteria |
|
|
|
Dissing
the team x 10 |
“You are all fucking useless.” |
£2.50 |
|
Placing
wood in his jockstrap?! |
|
|
|
Arguing
with Fines Committee |
|
|
|
Looking
forlorn |
|
|
|
Whoring
his cake out |
Lemon drizzle sponge cake |
|
|
Cob x 2 |
|
50p |
|
Swearing
at Fines Committee x 2 |
|
50p |
|
Moaning |
Religiously |
50p |
|
Sporting
a crazy hairdo |
Again |
|
|
Extreme-sulking |
Over his fines |
50p |
|
|
|
£7.00 |
Thorn |
Abusing
Duck |
To hide his stash |
|
|
Using
Duck as a drugs mule |
To hide his stash |
|
|
Spain
avoidance |
He said he’d be leaving in March [it is now
nearly June] |
|
|
Using
Foreign words |
Spanish |
|
|
Swearing
in Spanish |
“Conyos!” |
50p |
|
Impersonating
Gonzo |
Gonzo said he was leaving for Canada in March [he
left at the end of June] |
|
|
Boasting
numerous lame excuses |
For non-travel [to Spain] |
|
|
Lighter
failure |
|
|
|
Work
boot avoidance |
Whilst fielding |
|
|
Mild
hysteria |
|
|
|
Clock watching
x 2 |
|
50p |
|
Hoodie
loss |
Somewhere at the Harwell CC ground |
|
|
Dobner
Clause |
|
-£2.75 |
|
|
|
£1.00 |
Salad |
Lift
confusion |
To the ground |
|
|
Goalkeeping
on the boundary |
|
|
|
Bowling
with tic-tacs |
|
|
|
Drop x 2 |
|
£1.00 |
|
Extreme
hysteria |
|
50p |
|
Being
cursed |
Bowling
with no luck |
|
|
Failure
to bring team home |
|
|
|
Allowing
interruption during fines |
|
|
|
Extreme
smugness |
|
50p |
|
Sporting
non-club kit |
|
|
|
Sultry
staring at Spam |
Deputy Fines Chairperson [for the day] |
|
|
Muttering
under his breath at fines |
|
|
|
|
|
£4.25 |
Dan E |
Comedy
fielding |
|
|
|
Drop |
|
50p |
|
Smug x 2 |
|
50p |
|
Duck |
|
50p |
|
Confusing
umpire (and team) |
With his bowling over and round the wicket
interludes |
|
|
Bowling
ignorance |
See above |
|
|
Not
knowing what the fuck he is doing |
See above |
|
|
Being a
cunning fucker!? |
|
|
|
Hairdresser’s
car |
Shame on him |
|
|
Threatening
behaviour |
Towards Mike Reeves |
|
|
Making
his brother look good x 2 |
Dave Emerson |
50p |
|
Dogging |
Too much time spent in the car park |
|
|
|
|
£4.00 |
Geoff /
George |
Being
late |
|
|
|
Doing fuck
all |
Batted for 7 balls and that was it |
|
|
Arriving
solely for tea |
Not to field |
|
|
Hogging
the umpiring |
|
|
|
Failure
to bring Geoff |
The alter-ego who scores runs |
|
|
Hysteria
x 3 |
|
75p |
|
Working
in a Sunday |
Putting work before cricket |
|
|
Closet religionist |
|
|
|
Satanist |
|
|
|
Instigating
a collapse |
|
|
|
Club
confusion |
|
|
|
Denying
Harwell exists |
|
|
|
Smug |
|
|
|
|
|
£3.75 |
Ian H |
Smug |
|
|
|
Stealing
bat |
Be bought Dave Emerson’s decent bat |
|
|
Arguing |
With anyone who wanted an argument |
|
|
Uncharacteristic
tossing |
He won |
|
|
Unrealistic
injury forecast |
“I’ll be out for weeks.” [then plays the
following week after Achilles pull |
|
|
Picking
Mark Shelley |
The shame of it |
|
|
Opening
old wounds |
For Mike Reeves |
|
|
Bitching
about gravel and the inclement weather |
His garden patio project |
|
|
Pimping
Duck out (drug mule) |
To Thorn |
|
|
Dissing
self |
Low esteem |
|
|
Dissing
Dave Shorten |
“You posh twat.” |
50p |
|
Swearing
at fines |
|
50p |
|
|
|
£3.50 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
£35.00 |
*
Special
Rates
Indiscretion |
Cost |
Duck |
£0.50 |
Golden Duck |
£1.00 |
Diamond or Platinum Duck |
£2.00 |
Out Playing Reverse-sweep /
Switch-hit |
£1.00 |
Dropped Catch |
£0.50 |
Opening Bowler No Wicket |
£0.50 |
Opening Partnership <25 Avoidance |
£0.50 |
Smoking on the Pitch |
£0.50 |
Drinking on the Pitch |
£0.50 |
Missed Stumping |
£0.50 |
Missed Run-Out |
£0.50 |
Fines' Folder Abuse |
£0.50 |
Impersonating Billy Liar |
£0.50 |
Having a Major Cob |
£0.50 |
Having a Parkinson’s Cob (utter
meltdown) |
£1.00 |
Uber [anything] – particularly
arrogant, smug or condescending |
£0.50 |
Extreme [anything] – particularly Frowning |
£0.50 |
Insulting the Fines Committee
Chairman |
£1.00 |
Insolvency / Unemployment (maximum
limit) Known as the “Dobner Clause” |
£1.00 |
Swearing in Front of Kids |
£2.50 |
Bringing the Club into Disrepute (Ruled on by the Captain) |
£5.00 |
Dissent (to On-field Umpires) |
£5.00 |
Mongoose Multiplier (out using Goose) |
x2 |