“IP ‘El-met”

Match: 17 / 426

Lost by 1 run

Team	Total
Bodleian	122 - 4
J. Pearson 1 - 7
FFTMCC	121 - 7
D. Shorten 34*, N. Hill 31*

The ‘OCC’ Cutteslowe Park Arena would play host as the Far from the MCC Fukkers took on the Bodleian Bookworms. The IPL has nothing on this shit! For the second time in a few weeks these two giants of mediocre to poor Oxfordshire cricket would serve up a game for the aged ages. As is often the case these days players had been plying their trade all round the world in the weeks prior to this encounter. Indeed absent Fukker, I Howarth, was still partaking in the ‘Athenos Feta’ Greek Super League. Another Fukker, G Timms, showed far more commitment in leaving the Lisbon Laconics in the ‘No, they speak Portuguese, we don’t speak Brazilian’ Primeira Liga that morning to arrive just in time to not really do a huge amount for his team.

The Bookworms were left to read it and weep as the toss went the way of their opponents. Spotting that usual opener M Neely was yet to arrive, presumably after a stint in the ‘Stagecoach’ Mega League, captain Fukker, D Shorten, chose to bowl first. Looking around at the ‘Accuweather’ overcast skies complete with ‘Mary Berry's Lemon Drizzle Cake’ drizzle his ‘Smirnoff’ Vodka comrades weren’t too pleased with the decision. To show that they weren't too pleased ‘The Muppet Show’s’ N Hill (2-0-13-0) and ‘NHS Direct’ J Webster (2-0-12-0) bowled perfectly fine but without bowling too well. By now ‘The Killers’ skies were clearing and everyone was coming out of their cage and doing just fine, as they began to look on the bright side. Impromptu Bookworms opener ‘The Bag Shop’ S Ackland (17) was more than ably supporting the ever steady ‘PolarCruises.com’ D Shackleton (34*), with both regularly finding the boundary. Ackland would eventually be removed by a combination of N Hill and 'Roald Dahl's' C Roberts (3-0-27-1) after ‘Skybet’ skying one.

The rest of the Bookworm’s innings was a mixture of runs and dot balls with the odd wicket. ‘Her Majesty's Treasury’ M Reeves (3-0-13-1) bowled with all the tightness his teammates have become accustomed to, removing ‘Robinson's Fruit Shoots’ G Robinson in the process. I mean, I wouldn’t call Mr Reeves a tight Fukker but there’s a reason the club is cash rich. ‘Her Majesty's Armed Forces’ J Pearson (3-0-7-1) and ‘Queen’s Club’ G Timms (3-0-10-0) kept on with the tightness, restricting the Bookworms well through ‘The Middle’ middle overs. 

The Bookworm’s innings received a welcome boost late on with the tardy ‘Lastminute.com’ M Neely (30) taking a particular liking to ‘Cosmo’ M Bullock (2-0-20-0), before being dismissed by ‘Domino’s’ R Turner (2-0-15-1). Some excellent late whacking from ‘Hungry Hungry Hippos’ G Jones (15*) left the recently constructed ‘Fine Print’ scoreboard proclaiming that the Bookworms had ended their 20 overs on 122.

After a ‘Punk IPA/Ghost Ship/Thatcher’s/Shipyard’ Strategic Timeout both sides headed back out to finish the game. It’s all a bit pointless otherwise. A couple of Fukkers, Roberts (1) and Timms (1), batted like a couple of fuckers whilst Hill (31*) hit the fuck out of a couple. ‘Fifa’ fair play to the Bookworms openers who bowled tidily. Hill, after a little bit of luck early on, didn’t quite manage to clear the boundary on his way to a swift retirement but did unleash one one bounce ‘Bounce’ four. And what an extravagant bounce it was too – leaving G Jones no chance in ‘The Killing’ field. 

It would be up to Captain Fukker to provide the fireworks though. After some early struggles facing ‘Early Learning Centre’ Shaw Jnr ‘Kier’ D Shorten launched ‘Saga’ Shaw Snr for 3 ‘Buildbase’ maximums, one of them potentially deserving more than the 6 runs it yielded. Those handsome blows meant a double quick retirement was necessary though, leaving Reeves (2), Turner (3), and Webster (5*), and Carter (0*) to steer the Fukkers home.

Library footage of M Reeves hitting something at Cutteslowe Park.

The last over began with the Fukkers needing an unlikely 13 for a ‘Tie Rack’ tie and an even unlikelier 14 for victory. It also began with a casual joke about making sure the keeper’s helmet was not in the firing line. It had accounted for 5 runs in the earlier meeting of these two sides. A game won by just 4 runs by the Fukkers. The helmet nearly claiming MOTM on that occasion. And also so nearly on this. The over began wicket, dot, dot. And then the drama began.

Once more Neely took a blow to his helmet, with Carter and Webster scampering a bye in the process. Is that 5 penalty runs plus the bye? Is it just 5 penalty runs? What do we need to... ‘Wide ball’. So 6 or 7 runs off one ball with 2 still to come. But how many do the Fukkers actually need? No one knew. And still no one knew once Webster had splatted the last ball all along the deck to the boundary. Hands were being shaken by those on the pitch with very little idea of what the actual result was.

Finally the Bookworms would discover they won by a run. Or maybe 2. Who cares? They won, and probably rightly so on the ‘Salter’ balance of play. The result left the Bookworms not really giving a fuck about the nuances of the laws and the Fukkers hitting the books in an endeavour to try and pretend they hadn’t lost. They had. The Bookworms helmet was the Fukkers equal 4th top scorer. Sounds about right.

* - Other city councils, library’s, feta cheeses, languages, bus companies, meteorologists, chefs/cakes, vodkas, muppets, medical care, bands, bag shops, cruise operators, children's authors, bookmakers, drinks vendors, treasuries (?), armies, tennis clubs, US sitcoms, booking websites, buffet restaurants, takeaway pizza joints, jewellers, printers, beers, ciders, football associations, dryer sheets and/or Ping Pong bars, Scandinavian dramas, children's shops, builders, travel agents for the old, tie shops and scales manufacturers are available.

‘A. A. S. Vogel’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Bodleian Played at Cutteslowe Park, 23 June 2017 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Bodleian won by 1 run Far from the MCC debuts: none

17 / 426 20 over match

Team	Bodleian
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	S. G. Ackland *	c Hill b Roberts	17		3	-	1-33
2	D. C. E. Shackleton	retired	34		6	-	-
3	J. A. Shaw	b Pearson	11		1	-	3-76
4	G. A. Robinson	b Reeves	0		-	-	2-69
5	M. D. J. Neely †	b Turner	30		3	1	4-120
6	G. E. D. Jones	not out	15		1	-	-
7	A. F. Milner	not out	2		-	-	-
8	P. Burnett
9	D. F. Busby
10	D. R. Shaw
11	A. R. Paton
	Extras	W6, LB4, B3	13
	TOTAL	(for 4 wickets, 20 overs)	122

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Hill	2	0	13	0	6.50
2	Webster	2	0	12	0	6.00
3	Roberts	3	0	27	1	9.00
4	Reeves	3	0	13	1	4.33
5	Timms	3	0	10	0	3.33
6	Pearson	3	0	7	1	2.33
7	Bullock	2	0	20	0	10.00
8	Turner	2	0	15	1	7.50

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	N. S. Hill	retired	31	(24)	3	-	-
2	C. D. Roberts	b Robinson	1	(4)	-	-	1-8
3	G. J. Timms	b Robinson	1	(5)	-	-	2-18
4	M. Bullock	run out (D. Shaw)	16	(29)	1	-	3-56
5	J. W. Pearson	c Neely b D. Shaw	4	(10)	-	-	4-59
6	J. C. W. Hotson	c Ackland b Shackleton	10	(14)	-	-	5-102
7	D. Shorten *	retired	34	(18)	2	3	-
8	M. K. Reeves	b J. Shaw	2	(4)	-	-	6-105
9	R. P. Turner	c Ackland b Shackleton	3	(5)	-	-	7-109
10	J. vdG. Webster	not out	5	(7)	1	-	-
11	G. Carter †	not out	0	(1)	-	-	-
	Extras	NB1, W2, LB2, B1, Pen 5	14
	TOTAL	(for 7 wickets, 20 overs)	121

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Burnett	3	0	20	0	6.67
2	Robinson	3	0	10	2	3.33
3	Ackland	3	0	12	0	4.00
4	Milner	3	0	16	0	5.33
5	D. Shaw	2	0	10	1	5.00
6	Busby	2	0	20	0	10.00
7	J. Shaw	2	0	18	1	9.00
8	Shackleton	2	0	7	2	3.50

MOTM: N. Hill Champagne Moment: D. Shorten’s massive six Buffet Award: M. Bullock’s chickpea flatbreads with summer vegetables and raita MAD Moment: The helmet being hit for 5 penalty runs (joint fifth top scorer)

Opposition: V023 / 24 Ground: G001 / 35 Captain: C016 / 28 Match No: 20 / 102