“Grandiose Display of Batting Incompetence

Wrecked by Individual’s Shocking Show of Talent”

Match: 21 / 529

Lost by 50 runs

Team	Total
Ascott-under-Wychwood	134
J. Pearson 3 - 13, A. Darley 3 - 14
FFTMCC	84
C. Williams 19, R. Hadfield 17

Against a backdrop of Royal warring about some kiss and tell bollocks on American TV, a fracture down the centre of world football and the small matter of a bug killing everyone on the planet, Team MAD began their 2021 cricketing odyssey in the rather splendid surrounds of Ascott-under-Wychwood.

After a pre-game pint in Charlbury and a mission impossible to bypass some unending fucking roadworks, a MAD convoy would eventually drive back and forth over the Ascott level crossing in a botched attempt to find a recreational ground – a pretty pitch sloping off to a row of Cotswold houses and stunning views of patchwork fields in the distance.

Team Ascott.

Being The MAD’s first ever visit to the ground and having no prior experience of playing this opposition, Skipper Timms’ formulaic loss of the toss was perhaps not a bad one. Ascott fancied a bat.

Reeves (7-3-9-0) and Mortimer Darley (7-3-14-3) were excellent in line and length, just as Timms (7-1-46-0) and Howarth (7-0-42-1) were not, but to be fair to Gary and the disjointed wreck bowling in tandem, they were throwing their crap into a *threshing machine. They were also let down by profligate fielding, with Mike’s running under a straightforward catch at mid on to tumble on his arse only bettered for MAD Moment by the delicious **comedy at the end of the game. The end of the innings was tidily wrapped up by Pearson (5-1-13-3) and Turner (2-0-8-1), who would both enhance their bowling credentials, whilst also justifying those who had invested Fantasy sheckles in them. The home team finally dismissed off the final ball of the innings for 134. A total largely down to the fireworks of *C Jowett (61), a shining light in a dark day for batting, a man who rode his luck, but ultimately swung the match with some sublime hitting.

Hadfield (facing) as umpire Reeves nods off in a daydream.

Tea was all about forgetting to have brought your own tea, searching for random bottles of fruit juice and stealing the flapjacks from Mike’s Tintin tin. Mr Cartwright did none of this, he simply sat in his car apologising to Bertie for a no dog ruling imposed on the general public. During the break, Mr Hoskins and Mr Shorten appeared out of nowhere, the former to field questions regarding his unfathomable Fantasy Cricket, and the latter insisting you don’t need SKY backing or drugs to cycle more than 50 miles.

The ageing process is one of gaining experience at the expense of ability, or at least it should be, however the cricketing ageing process would appear to be one of failing to learn from experience in addition to the expense of ability. Or something like that.

In reply, Williams (19) reminded people he was actually playing before reminding them perhaps he wasn’t. Hadfield (17) was doughty without timing a fart, Turner walked across his stumps (4) and Cartwright was out to a sensational catch (4) that this author failed to witness due to having an extended shit. When Hotson (3) forgot where his stumps were it became 56-5. No matter, this was a long MAD batting line-up with plenty of guns frayed accessories in the bag.

Ascott celebrate the dismissal of Homer.

At this point we turn to nature and some lovely views surrounding the ground. Stately homes set amongst ornate trees, sleepy horses munching on grass relieved to be uninvolved in this shambles, and endless fields flickering in the sun as dreamy clouds floated high above. Ahh, the countryside….

…and back again. Howarth (5) dug in deep before hitting his fifth ball to a waiting long off, Pearson (6) allegedly got a good one, and Timms (6) was caught by a person unknown but definitely by a member of the opposition. The game was still there to be won lost, so without further ado, Reeves bagged a golden and Mr Darley walked out to bat to shepherd Bullock (9*) to the finishing line. Only he didn’t, I’m afraid to say. **Andrew’s new helmet failed to boost his batting acumen (or IQ) as he raised his bat aloft to watch a ball clatter into his off stump. 84 all out and most of everyone who witnessed the final dismissal lying in yellow water having pissed themselves.

This game was never about a result, it was a celebration of returning to the fold, returning to a life outside the confines of your house and a locked down world. It was about teaming up with forgotten faces outside pubs, taking the piss and exchanging banter about this sick and diseased fucking planet.

It was also a celebration of one hundred matches skippered by Mr Timms (above to the right). A herculean effort when you consider the careful balancing act of Sunday cricket, maintaining the ethos of exactly that and dealing the with fractured sensibilities and shattered egos of all those involved. It is a record unlikely to be broken and one that should be richly applauded.

To next week, to a world creeping gingerly out into the daylight. See you at the pub.

‘Spam’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Ascott-under Wychwood CC Played at the Memorial Playing Field, Ascott-under Wychwood, 18 April 2021 Ascott-under Wychwood CC won the toss and elected to bat Ascott-under Wychwood CC won by 50 runs Far from the MCC debuts: n/a

21 / 529 35 over match

Team	Ascott-under Wychwood CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	S. Moss	c Bullock b Darley	8		-	-	1-8
2	S. Townsend	lbw b Howarth	18		2	-	2-91
3	C. Jowett	c Cartwright b Darley	61		10	-	3-91
4	S. Russell	b Pearson	17		1	-	7-115
5	T. Davies *†	c Pearson b Darley	1		-	-	4-99
6	T. Genc	c and b Pearson	0		-	-	5-99
7	A. Suter	c Timms b Pearson	3		-	-	6-115
8	J. Davies	lbw b Turner	4		1	-	8-125
9	E. Sabin	run out (Pearson/Bullock)	9		1	-	9-129
10	R. Moss	run out (Pearson/Turner)	4		-	-	10-134
11	E. Lock	not out	1		-	-	-
	Extras	NB5, W1, B2	8
	TOTAL	(all out, 35 overs)	134

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Reeves	7	3	9	0	1.29
2	Darley	7	3	14	3	2.00
3	Timms	7	1	46	0	6.57
4	Howarth	7	0	42	1	6.00
5	Pearson	5	1	13	3	2.60
6	Turner	2	0	8	1	4.00

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	C. T .J. Williams	b J. Davies	19	(16)	3	-	1-21
2	R. J. T. Hadfield	c Townsend b Sabin	17	(45)	1	-	5-56
3	R. P. Turner	lbw b Moss	4	(6)	1	-	2-26
4	J. A. Cartwright	c Townsend b Sabin	4	(11)	-	-	3-33
5	J. C. W. Hotson	b Sabin	3	(26)	-	-	4-49
6	J. W. Pearson	b Moss	6	(20)	-	-	7-71
7	I. Howarth	c Moss b Lock	5	(5)	1	-	6-63
8	M. Bullock	not out	9	(19)	1	-	-
9	M. K. Reeves	b Moss	0	(1)	-	-	8-71
10	G. J. Timms *	c Townsend b Lock	6	(9)	1	-	9-84
11	A. Darley	b Moss	0	(1)	-	-	10-84
	Extras	NB2, W5, LB2, B2	11
	TOTAL	(all out, 26.1 overs)	84

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Moss	6.1	0	18	4	2.92
2	J. Davies	7	0	19	1	2.71
3	Sabin	7	0	17	3	2.43
4	Lock	6	0	26	2	4.33

MOTM: A. Darley Champagne Moment: J. A. Cartwright’s running catch at gully Buffet Award: G. J. Timms’ lockdown dumplings MAD Moment: A. Darley’s golden leave on off stump

Opposition: V117 / 01 Ground: G107 / 01 Captain: C022 / 100 Match No: 35 / 192