“2022 Tour Ratings”

The Far from the MCC’s Tour to the Isle of Wight was a spectacular success against a backdrop of strike action, player meltdowns, MOT failures and… well, anything that could potentially be an issue being an issue. Anyway, the weather was gorgeous as were the party who travelled south for this particular soiree.

Honouring the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection of 2008, and those [inferior ones] that have subsequently followed, here is the latest utterly mesmerising and beguiling findings from our delicious 2022 island capers….

‘Tour Player Inspector’

Name: James Bateman

Rating: Hero to Zero

James is buggering off to Australia soon, after firmly establishing himself as that guy who scores all the runs along with that other guy with messy black hair who opens up with him. He also takes loads of wickets, drinks and jokes well, slams Howarth’s batting inadequacies and is a jolly bloody nice guy in general. You can also bracket Digger as not being a geriatric. So, all in all, not a massive loss to the club then. Selfish bastard.

Name: Matt Bullock

Rating: Several Pints Multiplied by CAMRA

Matt was instrumental in the initial organising of Tour I-o-W. Put simply, there were some fine real ale drinking establishments on the island that needed visiting, so that’s that sorted then. He was his usual assured, sarcastic self, mocking and never slacking at the bar, and also doing some fine work behind the stumps [and scorebook] when called into action. Actually, without looking at the scorecards, I can’t remember if Matt did do any keeping, but if he did, it was way better than Geoff.

Name: Geoff Carter

Rating: One MOT Short of a Minibus

Geoff is and always will be a MAD Legend. Full stop. Central to the club’s blame culture year on year, he simply lets it all just roll off his seasoned shoulders, finds a witty riposte, and lets the idiot with the latest accusation work it all out for himself. He’s now pushing 100 years old, still has his faculties and is never backwards when heading to the bar. He gains points for quite righteously telling Howarth to fuck off when trying for that infamous suicidal single at Porchfield, but loses a few for that botched minibus MOT.

Name: Andrew Darley

Rating: Super Smashing Great

Mr Darley was devastated that his roomy (Beavis) couldn’t make Tour, but he dusted himself down, squared his shoulders and grabbed things by the steering wheel (literally). Eternally upbeat and vivacious, Andrew poured his heart and soul into the trip, be it with the ball or with the bat… his club HS at #11 a thing of beauty v Bartley CC. He even skippered when required, sung the theme tune and on our return to the mainland, drove Matt all the way back to Charlbury due to those ‘effing train strikes. This was his finest MAD Tour by a country mile.

Name: Giant Duck

Rating: Monkeypox Free

Giant Duck sat out the second day of Tour being that he was forgotten about on top of a 47” TV back at the Waverley B&B. He gains points for doubling as a cushion and footrest on Day 3 and also for avoiding any steady streams of dog urine. He was acquainted with the Waverley cat however, so that might explain his post-Tour odour.

Name: David Emerson

Rating: 3 Days out 3 at The Waverley

A star-studded and sequined performance on Tour for the club’s maverick and jocular Kiwi. Absent for way too many Tours in recent times, here he returned with a bang to remind people of his bowling nous, throwing nous and supreme ability to cob and bitch from the boundary. Reasonable at pirate golf, David gains points for a big heart and helping [and funding] some stranded pisshead in Newport get a taxi home, but loses points for being told off by Father Turner for childlike behaviour on Day 3. Brilliant to have you back, David … now let’s ensure you’re here for keeps!

Name: James Hoskins

Rating: 5 and run out

As fun, loopy and effervescent as ever, JMO threw himself into Tour with all the usual idiosyncratic gusto we would expect. Wins and losses on the horses, ups and quacks at the cricket and a stirring individual display at Pirate Golf [until the wheels came off at the final water hazard]. James gains points for his undying positivity and cheerleading of the team’s sole victory at Porchfield, but loses points for poor camera stock often shot at the wrong shutter speed and wrong ISO setting [must do better]. We probably also need to talk about the framing of a photo and purchasing of a better zoom lens [ahem].

Name: Jake Hotson

Rating: 1 Day out of 3 at The Waverley

A mixed bag for Jake on this particular Tour, with the fuel gauge reading empty after a quite hectic first day. A smorgasbord of travel taking in buses, taxis and ferries, was then followed by a cricketing splatterfest in Newport. With no time for his brain to recover, he was thrust into a pub quiz and pub crawl before coming to a jarring halt in the early hours [and an uncompliant hotel door]. Forced to sleep rough with a pack of wolves out on the lawn, there were echoes of a decade earlier in Norfolk, where he instead used a park bench as a bed for the night. Jake loses points for waking a fat man in the early hours by stoning his window, but gains kudos for his pre-Tour organising whenever asked. HE WILL RETURN.

Name: Ian Howarth

Rating: 3 Cobs out of 3

Skippering and losing the first match whilst heavily under the influence, Spam enjoyed a minibus whitey on the way to Shanklin the following day. Somehow avoiding being sick, he was shite at Pirate Golf, but did recover enough to gain some kudos later with his photography at the cricket ground. This brief period of credit then evaporated due to a string of expletive-riddled cobs at Porchfield on the final day, blaming Geoff for most of anything and everything. Spam would finally compound his misery by losing a drunken boundary sprint against Mr Timms [former athlete don’t you know] and collapsing somewhere close to where he threw his bat earlier in the day. That bat now marks his grave.

Name: Mike Reeves

Rating: Minus Thousands in ££££

Mike spent much of Tour fuming over the funding of taxis before being crushed by an unsolicited bar bill at Porchfield [that stretched into the hundreds]. When he found time away from keeping the club afloat, he performed admirably on the field. Some useful wickets, some useful runs and some mean left-handed tricks at the golf. Famous for having a polygamist lifestyle that takes in this island, Mike was unusually quiet during his evening dalliances, preferring to chat in hushed tones about insolvency and the cost of The MAD curry night.

Name: Mark Rundle

Rating: 0 Games out of 4

Having done pretty much fuck all on the field last Tour, Psycho went one better this one by doing absolutely fuck all. He can be forgiven for dying at Stanton St John, but not for jumping the NHS waiting list. Amongst his contributions were umpiring, circling the boundary like a caged lion, harbouring glib and sarcasm thoughts, and eating enough ice-cream to ensure he adds being diabetic to his lengthening list of ailments. Top man for Touring and “doing a Moo” [i.e not playing], we look forward in earnest to seeing him back on the pitch soon [to swing across the line and throw that metronomic shit down].

Name: David Shorten

Rating: 1 Tree Skewered with a Cricket Ball

Thank the Lord that David owns a works van and thank the Lord he is prepared to ferry everyone’s crap about on Tour, because with no kit we don’t have a Tour and with no David, we don’t have anyone to smash huge sixes into trees and hedgerows. After relaxing into Tour at his own gentle pace, Lego was given the Captain’s armband on Day 2 and subsequently thrown to the lions in Shanklin [poor bastard]. Away from stupid cricket, he fared well with the putter, swam back and from the mainland with no bother, and avoided being selected for the Newport Massacre by burning his Top Trump card [used for selection purposes].

Name: Gary Timms

Rating: 400 - 750m champion

Having once lived on the Isle of Wight, Gary fell in with the wrong crowd in his partying days and was forced into exile on the UK mainland. Now happily co-promoting Glastonbury year-on-year, he returned to his old stomping ground disguised behind sunglasses and knitted in amongst some shit cricketing pub team. Shanklin brought back many happy memories and thankfully he remained largely incognito, although he was dragged into a bar room brawl at a Newport Wetherspoons. On the field he saved his best for Day 3 with both handy runs down the order and some excellent wickets with his leggies. Loses points for killing Spam in some absurd boundary sprint.

Name: Russ Turner

Rating: Zero Responsibility out of 100

Due to managing the broken team bus single-handedly [otherwise known as Season 2022], Russ took a wholly backseat approach when it came to this Tour. Helping nobody apart from himself, delighting in the hapless misery of other captains, his was to kick back, lord it up and help fucking nobody [and good on him]. Batting magnificently for himself at Newport, he became the self-confessed Pirate Golf champion despite a bogus scorecard and ate and drank the island several times over. An eternally generous man at the bar, Russ soon realised this honeymoon was over and it was back to reality the coming week. In fact, this reality was so stark, he chose to stay on another week in the I-o-W. [Applause and laughter]

Name: Jan Webster

Rating: 100% as Captain

A virgin Tourist, it felt like Jan had always been on Tour, like every Tour, as like Gonzo before him he radiates that essential Tour Mascot. Slipping easily into the role of the leftfield conductor, delighting in the organised chaos and stupidity surrounding him, Jan even laid a marker on Day 3 by skippering a winning game of cricket [you heard that right] and not once mentioning that Russ had probably doctored his scores at Pirate Golf. We pray Mr Webster is back year on year, as our journey is and will be all the richer for his wit, sarcasm and childlike enthusiasm for the unrelenting bollocks of it all.

Name: Chris Williams

Rating: Forever 29

Having originated the abandoned Tour to Brighton during the pandemic, then having a wedding clash with the same Tour after the pandemic, Williams finally managed to board a MAD Tour bus and get shitfaced. When he wasn’t completely wasted, he was darned pretty good, but when he was [ahem, see Day 1 match report….] Flogged on the field for all four matches, he starred in the win over Porchfield which perhaps papered over the cracks of his Newport bow. Gains marks for managing to communicate and order some food at the kebab house but loses points for amnesia and not remembering ordering food at the kebab house. He also claims to have never ordered or eaten a kebab, but then he would, wouldn’t he?