Match: 00
/ 030
Won
by 47 runs
Team |
Total |
Jude the Obscure |
119 - 9 |
L. Phillips 34, E. Lester
20 |
|
|
|
The Brewers Troops |
72 |
G. Le Tocq 4 - 9, A. Mann
2 - 8 |
“That
which is once forayed, and found to be not wanting in either outcome or
satisfaction derived therefrom, is oft ventured again in expectation of a similarly
felicitous result. On this desire for a joyous return are all our best
traditions based.” - Thomas Hardy, Close To The
Sane Individual So
it was that, in the best tradition of traditions, the Jude The Obscure XI
once again made their way south from Oxford towards the coastal havens of
Dorset, that county which is itself steeped, nay, pickled, in such vast
quantities of tradition. From the enormous distended nob of the chalk Giant
on the hillside at Cerne Abbas to the equally upright Hardy’s Monument, which
strains violently up from the earth to stand guard over the peaceful village
of Martinstown (sadly the monument itself cannot be seen from the village
over which it stands guard), there is tradition everywhere. B. J. Mander shotting some pool in a pub. The
players of Jude the Obscure were not unaware of the small part they had to
play in adding to the rich and colourful tapestry of the region’s history and
folklore. Leaving Oxford on Friday afternoon in several cars, it was to the
Brewer’s Arms in Martinstown that the team was unerringly drawn, as though a
giant beer magnet had been at work, directing its rays to the parched throats
and palates of the ale-hungry travellers. Tents were pitched by the hardier
members of the team, in an almost professional erection display, and by the
gracious host, Nigel Sawyer who, it appeared at first sight, had brought with
him the entire contents of his house and several others, and thus filled his
spacious marquee to the brim with all mod cons and several out of date ones.
Meanwhile, the softer, more cosseted members of the team, not wishing in any
way to compromise the flabbiness of their souls, sought out the comfort of
the local Bed and Breakfast establishment which, by accounts, was luxurious
enough to satisfy just about any degree of sloth. Once
the full complement of Jude players had arrived - among their number several
veterans of the 1999 tour, able and willing to advise the uninitiated how to
respond to any quaint or confusing local customs - the partaking of
refreshments began in earnest at The Brewers, with several team members
appearing to need more refreshing than others. Indeed, there seemed to be a
general preoccupation with refreshment throughout dinner and the rest of the
evening, which carried on through the weekend, and in fact shows no sign of
stopping to this day, despite the tour having finished some weeks ago. But,
spurred on by the rejuvenating effects of the local brew, the team faced up
to its first sporting challenge of the weekend, and once more the skittles
alley became the focus of attention. J. Hoskins, defending his 1999 Southern
Counties Skittles crown, faced stout opposition this year from A. Mann and
newcomers L. Phillips and “4.1.” Holt. The latter put in an especially good
performance, and after 4.1 rounds had averaged 4.1 per ball. L. Phillips
averaged 5.2 and won an ‘end’, but A. Mann was the form pony with two wins
out of three, and the reign of J. Hoskins looked seriously threatened. Some cricket gear used on Tour. The
real sport of the evening, however, was yet to begin, and after the pub
finally closed, a small crowd gathered outside behind the carpark to watch as
several Jude latecomers began a race to erect their tents in the dark while
under the influence of copious amounts of beer. According to the rules of the
contest, spectators were not permitted to lend a hand, but had to stand back
and laugh heartily for several minutes before wandering off to the comfort of
their warm and cosy rooms in the bedsit down the road. The winner of this
contest has yet to be determined. Saturday
saw the sun burning brightly as the clouds scurried, chastened, from the
bedomed, azure sky. It was hangovers all round and - for those who had not
spent the night loafing in warm beds, flopping lazily to the floor, dragging
themselves to the breakfast table and indulgently stuffing their faces with
all manner of bloating foodstuffs - there followed a bracing trip into the
picturesque seaside town of Weymouth for an early-morning constitutional, a
healthy breakfast and some star jumps and push-ups to impress the locals in the
town square. Some chose then to travel north to pay homage to the Giant at
Cerne Abbas, impressive in many ways, a huge figure outlined in chalk on a
steepling hillside. The origins of the mysterious Giant remain obscured by
the mists of time, but is thought by some to be the relic of a lost
civilisation of extremely tall people who used to lie flat naked on
hillsides. Others have conjectured that the Giant is no more than two hundred
years old, but what the hell would they know? Whatever the case, the legend
goes that having sex on the Giant’s great todger will often lead to orgasm,
and in some cases even conception, particularly if people of the opposite sex
are involved, but the queue was far too long for any members of The Jude’s
party to test this theory out. In
any case, the real business of the day was beckoning, and in the early
afternoon the team left The Brewers Arms for the cricket field at nearby
Little Bredy. Those of the company who had visited this picturesque spot on
the previous tour yearned to reacquaint themselves with the beguiling charm
of its natural beauty, and likewise those who had only heard tell of this
wondrous arena looked forward to their first glimpse of the hidden vale.
Neither group was disappointed, for it seemed upon taking the steep and
narrow road down into the heart of the valley that time had stopped, that in
the intervening twelve months not one blade of sun-bathed grass, not one leaf
on any tree, not one stone or cowpat on the hillside had changed. It seemed
that all was preserved as it had been, the memory of a summer’s idyll
cocooned and ready to burst open anew, to be relived in full on the return of
the eager pilgrims, and the coming of the uninitiated, to that magical place. Martinstown, Dorchester. The pub is
somewhere. Soon,
with both teams arrived and a barrel of beer installed in the dilapidated
clubhouse, the game was on. Supporters cheered lazily from the stand, and R.
Bestwick took up her pen and sat poised over the scorebook. Jude The Obscure
won the toss, and batting first, L. Phillips (34) and A. Mann (9) opened with
vigour. But Mann’s off-stump was soon skittled by the Brewers captain, and
with J. Hotson (2) and M. Bullock (4) also going cheaply, the innings was
evincing signs of wobble. Top-scorer Phillips, however, began to hit out in
lusty fashion, striking blows hither and thither, and along with a
rejuvenated E. Lester (20), was able to steady the ship and pave the way for
Sundries to chime in with a useful 34. B. Mander (0) and the usually rocklike
T. Mander (0) fell without scoring, and G. Le Tocq (1) could only manage a
single. But C. Norris (8 n.o.) and J. Hoskins (6 n.o.) remained undefeated,
with the 1999 Southern Counties Skittles Champion achieving an incredible strike-rate
of 200 despite his recent horrific dancing injury. The redoubtable “4.1” Holt
scored 4.1 off 4.1 deliveries in 4.1 minutes. Holt said later, “It was my
plan to score 4.1, which is my average, so I’m not disappointed. This is only
the fourth time I’ve played cricket, give or take point one, so I’ve got to
be pleased.” Of the Brewers, P. Thomas (5-18) stood out with a skilled
display. The
target of 119-9 was not massive, but The Brewers XI had no answer to the Jude
attack, and with G. Le Tocq (4-9) and A. Mann (2-8) skittling the upper
order, it was left to B. Mander (2-23), all-rounder E. Lester (1-15) and
“4.1” Holt (1-4.1) to finish off the brave home side, whose captain provided
the only true resistance. But, with the last wicket falling at 72, The Jude
had registered a palpable victory, and there was little left to do but return
to the pub and get well and truly shitfaced. As
the evening wore on and one beer blurred into the next like nothing so much
as a very large beer which made everything blurry, the younger and
younger-at-heart members of the touring party were straining at the leash,
and by ten o’clock were chasing the last bus down the road, accompanied by
several of the defeated locals, who like everybody else had vowed to drink
themselves into oblivion, but preferred to do so at Harry’s Tea Rooms in
Weymouth, where the hot and buttery crumpet remains the favoured choice from
the menu. At
the Brewers, festivities continued and, liberated by the effects of the local
brew, team members felt free to voice their innermost desires, although
everyone was so inebriated that no-one could remember the next day what these
were. In a terrifying display of skill, “4.1” Holt demonstrated his prowess
at the pool table against all-comers, winning 4.1 games on the trot in an
average time of 4.1 minutes per game, and in doing so playing several frames
with the cue stuck up one nostril. C. Norris, who had lately been informed
that she would be captaining the team the next day, had already begun to
ponder the difficult decision of what to wear. Should she wear this, or
should she wear that? Or perhaps both? It was with such thoughts uppermost in
many other team members’ minds as well that they trooped one by one off to
bed, either to an invigorating rest at the campsite, exposed to the fresh
country air and the subtle and delightful odours of nature, or to sink into a
fitful, nightmare-filled slumber in the cloying environment of the Bed and
Breakfast establishment down the road. Library footage of a pint glass (often used
on Tour). Sunday
morning, and alarm! as the sounds of a distressed cow were heard to emanate
from N. Sawyer’s tent. No livestock had been reported lost, yet no other
explanation could be found for the plaintive lowing. Such was the width and
breadth of the marquee, filled to the brim with all manner of bric-a-brac,
that a thorough search revealed no trace of the frantic bovine creature, but
when B. Mander at last awoke and emerged from there to greet the day, the
noise abruptly ceased. The enigma of the lost cow remains unsolved to this
day, and is especially mysterious considering that, in addition, M. Bullock
several times reported he had been woken during the night by strange and loud
noises in his room in the Bed and Breakfast down the road. With
the team assembled, and all members returned from breakfast at Combe Harbour
and an impressive show of beach football skills, there was just time before
the second fixture to revisit the alley for a last bout of skittles.
Eclipsing the reigning champion J. Hoskins, who many observed was still not
himself after his recent horrific dancing injury, A. Mann emerged triumphant
in a close struggle to claim the 2000 crown, although M. Bullock came near to
it, and “4.1” Holt continued his good form with his 4.1 per three balls
making him the most consistent player in the history of mankind. The
second match took place at the newly refurbished Martinstown C.C. ground
which, although unable to compete with Little Bredy in beauteous aspect or in
the provision of sensual delights, still impressed with its grand, pristine
clubhouse and trim green playing surface, enclosed by clay cutting and reedy
stream. Stand-in Jude captain C. Norris, in a delicate little white number,
frilly white cricket shirt and pink sports shoes, took charge from the outset
and, up against accurate Jude bowling, The Brewers Arms were soon in
disarray. J. Hoskins (3-5) and A. Mann (3-18), with support from the pacey G.
Le Tocq (2-11) and all-rounder E. Lester (2-11), saw the Brewers innings to a
finish at a modest 58 all out. It was left then to “4.1” Holt (4.1) and M.
Bullock (3) to lay the foundations for a victory which was sealed by an
aggressive show from J. Hoskins (17) and E. Lester (16 n.o.). B. Mander (4)
and T. Mander (3 n.o.) also contributed handily. So
it was then that once again, as it had been the year before, as it would be
the year following, and those to come, one after another, in the best
tradition of traditions, the time to leave was nigh. Tents had already been
struck, and fond farewells marked the moments before players and hangers-on
alike repaired to their cars and began the journey north, Oxford-bound once
more. And it might be said that in the leaving, the members of the Jude the
Obscure C.C. left behind a better part of themselves, made good by the time
they had spent there in Dorset. All in all, it had been a grand weekend, and
thanks must go to N. Sawyer, and the manager and staff and players from The
Brewers Arms for their kindness and hospitality. The Jude the Obscure C.C.
extends an invitation to The Brewers cricket team, the descendants of Thomas
Hardy and the people of Dorset and neighbouring Southern Counties, to travel
north to Oxford and find perhaps a spiritual wakening of their own, or at the
very least, to sample the beer at Jude The Obscure. ‘Blocker’
|
*
Jude the Obscure versus The Brewers Troops Played at Little Bredy, 15 July 2000 Jude the Obscure won the toss and
elected to bat Jude the Obscure won by 47 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none |
00 / 030 30 over match |
Team |
Jude the
Obscure |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
1 |
A. G. Mann |
b Ned |
9 |
(12) |
1 |
- |
1-13 |
2 |
L. Phillips |
b Thomas |
34 |
(44) |
4 |
- |
4-69 |
3 |
J. C. W. Hotson |
b Ned |
2 |
(11) |
- |
- |
2-22 |
4 |
M. Bullock + |
lbw b Thomas |
4 |
(25) |
- |
- |
3-51 |
5 |
C. Norris |
not out |
8 |
(37) |
- |
- |
- |
6 |
E. N. Lester * |
b Thomas |
20 |
(34) |
2 |
- |
5-95 |
7 |
B. J. Mander |
c Ned b Thomas |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
6-95 |
8 |
A. Mander |
b Wallace |
0 |
(2) |
- |
- |
7-103 |
9 |
G. Le Tocq |
c Rhodes b Pearce |
1 |
(7) |
- |
- |
8-107 |
10 |
P. Holt |
c Ned b Thomas |
1 |
(6) |
- |
- |
9-113 |
11 |
J. D. Hoskins |
not out |
6 |
(3) |
- |
- |
- |
|
Extras |
(NB4, W26, B1, LB3) |
34 |
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 9 wickets, 30 overs) |
119 |
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
1 |
Rhodes |
4 |
0 |
14 |
0 |
|
2 |
Ned |
8 |
0 |
32 |
2 |
|
3 |
Pearce |
7 |
0 |
20 |
1 |
|
4 |
Lewis |
2 |
0 |
20 |
0 |
|
5 |
Thomas |
8 |
2 |
18 |
5 |
|
6 |
Wallace |
1 |
0 |
11 |
1 |
|
Team |
The
Brewers Troops |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
1 |
Simon |
c and b Mann |
2 |
(14) |
- |
- |
2-6 |
2 |
J. Rhodes |
b Le Tocq |
1 |
(5) |
- |
- |
1-1 |
3 |
Mike + |
b Le Tocq |
3 |
(10) |
- |
- |
3-6 |
4 |
D. Johnson |
st Bullock b B. Mander |
6 |
(13) |
- |
- |
5-28 |
5 |
P. Thomas |
b Le Tocq |
0 |
(8) |
- |
- |
4-14 |
6 |
R. Wallace * |
c Bullock b Holt |
29 |
(40) |
6 |
- |
7-58 |
7 |
G. Pearce |
b B. Mander |
2 |
(6) |
- |
- |
6-30 |
8 |
G. Harris |
not out |
4 |
(26) |
- |
- |
- |
9 |
P. Morris |
c Phillips b Lester |
14 |
(21) |
2 |
- |
8-66 |
10 |
P. Lewis |
b Le Tocq |
1 |
(6) |
- |
- |
9-70 |
11 |
Ned |
lbw b Mann |
1 |
(4) |
- |
- |
10-72 |
|
Extras |
(NB3, W6) |
9 |
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(all out, 25.1 overs) |
72 |
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
1 |
Le tocq |
7 |
2 |
9 |
4 |
|
2 |
Mann |
5.1 |
1 |
8 |
2 |
|
3 |
B. Mander |
3 |
0 |
23 |
2 |
|
4 |
Lester |
7 |
1 |
15 |
1 |
|
5 |
Holt |
3 |
0 |
8 |
1 |
|
MOTM: n/a Champagne Moment: n/a Buffet
Award: B. J. Mander’s seaside fish
n’ chips (with lashings of mayonnaise) |
Opposition:
V017 / 01 Ground: G007 / 02 Captain: C001 / 24 |