Match: 26
/ 500, 27 / 501, 28 / 502
Won,
Lost and Battered
Team |
Total |
Chittlehampton CC |
58 - 1 |
J. Hotson
1 - 6 |
|
|
|
FFTMCC |
59 - 3 |
G. Timms
19*, G. Carter 14* |
Team |
Total |
FFTMCC |
58 - 4 |
M. Reeves
20*, J. Cartwright 13 |
|
|
|
Erlestoke & Coulston CC |
59 - 8 |
J. Cartwright 2 - 7, I. Howarth
2 - 9 |
Team |
Total |
Erlestoke &
Coulston CC |
61 - 3 |
J. Hoskins
2 - 3 |
|
|
|
FFTMCC |
29 - 2 |
D. Shorten
15* |
Into Saturday and the
weekend had begun. At precisely midnight the bouncers at the Queens Pub
marshalled the jailbait and amped up trouser down to Weatherspoons
to get furtherly pissed and disorderly, much akin to how football fans are
kettled into pens. Two years is a lot in life, particularly if you’re the
wrong side of forty, so there was no MAD disco dancing on show this evening,
only minor abuse of spirits, and tales of sifting through a skip to retrieve
a lady’s handbag and a small chalkboard advertising Aspalls
cider. The handbag was unfortunately sans a zip, but I’m
sure Russ’ wife would’ve been touched by the thought. Steve the night porter and
a monetary bribe ensured Saturday continued back at the Beach Hotel – or was
it still Friday? Memories are sketchy, although mobiles can sometimes fill in
some blanks, such as a photograph of Salad tumbling backwards in a log basket
(now considered fucked). One also remembers Jake sleepwalking into the lobby,
dazed and confused, maybe his subconscious telling him he was funding this drinkathon
– room #106 now folklore. Then there was a sand covered Timms looked equally
confused, stumbling into view having slept on the beach, or a bench, or
somewhere starting with the letter B. Reggie Perrin had taken a G&T for
company, but thankfully hadn’t tried wading to Wales. And then it was… bed…
(the cushioned indoor variety, as opposed to benches, beaches or net cradles) …to awake for breakfast some
few hours later, to stare at sausages, beans, black pudding, potato
croquettes, grilled tomatoes and wonder why you didn’t
say no to those bloody mushrooms. Mr Shorten advocates mushrooms, as
he would, a man at ease with nature and living from the land. Everyone else
hates fucking mushrooms. Fortunately, Russ and Bob were on hand, so nothing
went to waste. Day 3 would see a
mini-Tour within a Tour to participate in some 3-team tourney in North Devon.
It was miles away, absolutely fucking miles
away, but seemingly not that far if you were half asleep in the coach. These
unconscious moments, nay blissful, were thankfully not a result of hypoxia
and diesel fumes, so thanks to Mr Reeves for swerving austerity when booking
the ride. The destination was the Bell Inn in Chittlehampton, a chance
meeting with some guy on holiday giving Russ and The MAD this rare Saturday
option for cricket. The pub itself was one
of those perfectly local villagey types where everyone knows everyone’s
business and rumours of Tom the local handyman servicing the vicar’s wife
were rife. The beer and food were wonderfully on point with Tom refuting all allegations
of wrongdoing, citing the baker’s missus as having far better tits, and a
shared interest in his toolbox. With the tourists now swelled by the company
of Darley and Mr Cartwright, and with Joe you get a dog, no Midge but a Berty,
the team threw their clobber in a waiting van and walked up to the ground, an
hour after the proposed starting time due to the time-honoured tradition of fannying about. It was drizzling on
arrival, not raining as such, but enough to have people ponder the day. The
ground itself was reminiscent of a green sink, sloped upwards in all
directions with a quaint pavilion nestled at the foot (the plughole). The
vantage points were superb, patchwork fields and country icons as far as the
eye could see. It was also brighter in the distance, so why the fuck had we
come here? Hiding in the tractor shed away from the rain. The day would be divided
into three thirds with a cherry on top, the cherry being the resultant
winners of the ten over slogathons going nose to nose in a final to decide
who could puff their chests out and claim bragging rights at the pub. The other
team aside from the hosts, were another bunch of tourists with an unpronounceable
name, younger, eager, more athletic, and very reminiscent of those rather
spirited lads of Minehead CC (i.e you’re definitely getting a twatting, scale
unknown, but if you come across as the sort of losers that are quite good fun
and humorous, your shellacking might be brief, not drawn out… certainly not
that kind of a pasting where you dream of being anywhere rather than standing
on this vast expanse of sodden turf getting a total beatdown). So, who plays who and
who plays who when? What is recalled is a hungover Howarth (Skippering the
first match) losing a coin toss at The Bell Inn that somehow decided the other
tourists sat out the first game, and therefore got to watch the
shortcomings of their two protagonists whilst drinking more beer. Chittlehampton CC would
therefore represent the opposition for the 500th game in MAD timekeeping, an
extraordinary number given the origins of the club. A pub team loosely
organised some twenty-two years ago by the late Noel Reilly, a loveable Irish
publican and cheerleader of all pissheads and fragmented crazies who once
frequented his pub(s). How times don’t change. FIVE
HUNDRED truly is an amazing number. Just ask any Indy Car fanatic. Newman orchestrates the clearing of dog shit from
the outfield. A feature of this T10
day would be everyone bowling an over bar the keeper. The rotation of these
bowlers would see pie-chuckers bowling from the
mound end (to a huge incalculable boundary) and the quicker flan chucking
their wares at the other (whilst hoping to avoid being belted into a
cornfield some ten yards behind their head). The calculus was further
complicated by the necessity to name your proper bowlers from your
part-timers, or in the case of The MAD, close your
eyes and pin the tail. Why? Something to do with wides, no balls or picking
your nose. To be honest, I can’t quite remember. Lastly,
the track was a dog of uneven bounce accompanying a serious risk to your health
but have another beer and it’ll all be fine. Right? Another feature to
accompany the above feature was that of all the cricketing drama being
serenaded by music blurting from iPhones being pumped through a megaphone.
You know, somebody is out and the poor unfortunate wanders off the field to
some depressing ballad by Joy Division, or hits a six and we have carnival
music, or… a bloody migraine if you are sat in close proximity to the bastard
creating this racket!!! Turner (batting) sways out of one aiming at his
nose. Chittlehampton would go
on to demonstrate how to cope with the wicket, if not the method of scoring
many runs, with captain K. Roberts (18) the only casualty in a total of 58-1.
His partner T Comar retired on 20 and should be
lauded for avoiding any dental surgery. Standout bowler was Jake Hotson
(1-0-6-1) because he allowed everyone to put a drink on room (#106) AND he
took the solitary wicket. How d’you remember such
a memorable game in terms of the significance of five hundred? A whirlwind
fifty? Five successive sixes? A streaker? Five streakers? Five hundred
streakers? Or… a diamond duck and a golden duck? Going with the MAD badge of
honour we take the latter (two). It was with a sense of pride that Mr Darley
hauled his bat off the pitch sans a ball faced, turning to his partner Mr
Hoskins and blowing him kisses, moments before James Pearson aimed a drive at
some squirrel in the distance, one that nobody else saw, much like his
innings in general. Were these guys actually there? Maybe
not. The scorecards reflect they were, so thanks for the memory’s, guys. Timms and Carter lead a successful run chase with
a man in shorts providing coaching. With overs receding and
Timms’ (19*) patience with his deceased partner wearing thin, OAP Carter
(14*) then unfurled a 3-iron struck right out the middle to be followed by
the champagne moment of the match – if not the season – a crunched 1-wood
speared into the wall at long on for a maximum! WOW!!! I have witnessed a few
things agog in my pathetic time on Mother Earth, but Geoffrey’s two
consecutive strikes down the fairway that day will live long. Again, thank
you very much for the memories, Sir Carter. MAD go on to win by 7 wickets
with a ball to spare and launch their T10 campaign in style. Next up were these young
upstarts from obscure dwelling in the UK entitled Erlestoke & Coulston. I’ve been on Google now the hangover of Tour has gone, and
I see they’re from Wiltshire, playing games in-between artillery fire on
Salisbury Plains and claiming to have been around longer than The MAD. That’s debatable since records are scarce (certainly on
their inferior website), so I’m going to disregard it out of hand and say the
Far from the MCC have been around longer and come from far better stock.
Sorry, lads. Spot the Coin
competition – with Joe (left) not really with it. For the Levi sponsored match
#501, veteran Cartwright clambered into the emperor’s robes and set upon
impressing everyone with proper captaincy. i.e he barks the orders, you do his
bidding and you remember to shut the fuck up. We’ve had dictatorships in the
past (Howarth and Westmoreland), we’ve had the zany days of
what-the-fuck-is-going-on (Hoskins), we’ve had regret (Bullock), we’ve had
the you-total-bastards-I-hate-you-and-I’m-leaving-the-country (Lester) and of
course the latter day understanding, intelligence and sometimes whimsical confusion
of Mr Timms… but this was different. It was like playing under a reluctant
League Skipper who was both charming, inspirational
and brutally blunt and derogatory in equal measures. Why leave it forty odd
years, Joe? Time for you yet, fella. Joe’s first act was to naturally
win the toss, second was to pad up, lead from the front and set about
building a defendable total. He was pretty good for his unlucky 13, with Reeves’
naturally protecting his average (20*) and the rest doing something that
barely deserves a mention. 58-4 and Shorten bowled for a golden. In reply,
the upstarts had a fairly decent start and then the
wheels fell off. It was like they had been concentrating on drinking beer and
paying no interest whatsoever in the previous game. Oh. Out of nowhere 33-1
became 47-7 and then 55-8, with Reeves catching everyone (three anyway) and
the skipper claiming a 2-for (both for ducks). Was this to be the victory to
end all improbable victories or… …was Geoff Carter (0.4-0-4-0)
bowling the death over? Ahem. Played 2, Won 1, Lost 1. Eyes wide shut, swing the fucker down cow, Mike.
Oh. Following this seesaw
battle of very limited (extremely limited) overs cricket, The MAD got to sit
out the Chittles v Erlestoke game and moan about the worsening light. This
they did whilst complaining about time being lost for a belated tea break and
the fact injured Bob seemed the happiest of their number being utterly pissed
and not having to worry about playing in the dark. Pearson would soon join
his number. Not injured, just inclined to drink and
not play anymore. The Salisbury Plains
yoot would win their game by 9 wickets and after nobody understood the rules
or regulations of bonus points, the final of this day would be contested by
the aforementioned upstarts and overstated
middle-aged drunks from Oxfordshire. The next decisions were agreeing to play
in darkness, agreeing the length of the game and bowlers being forbidden to
bowl off more than 5cm. Are we done? No, Bob has found another few cans of lager. Leaving it all out there, Corporal Pearson. In five overs the
Salisbury Squaddies scored more (61-3) than any team had scored in double the
length of time that day, Mr Rundle the unfortunate skipper to oversee Hotson
and Howarth plundered for a combined 40 in their two overs. In reply, Shorten slogged 15 (retired) and Mr Darley’s epochal
day/Tour reached a new nadir as he was stumped for a golden duck. MAD lose by
32 runs but the pub is open and there is no actual
silverware to win. We done? Good, let’s go, because
without miner’s helmets and flashlamps we can’t actually see a fucking thing. Tweak from the Mound End. Having retreated to the
Bell Inn and avoiding any American backpackers lost on the moors, The Salisbury
Massive were in full voice, but if they thought they carried “The Voice”,
they were unaware of the talents of Joe Cartwright, the understated and utterly
mesmerising owner of the Welsh Male Voice Choir. Suddenly, without ceremony,
Joe sang. He sang something, about some stuff – again I can’t
quite remember, but it was great and everyone just “shut the fuck up” and
listened to Joe sing. Once again, thanks for the memories, Joe. Darley and JP point out their obvious
achievements from the day. And then… …after 1,941 words
(before this last paragraph), and being the short straw in this Tour
Reportage Unit, Howarth reached the end of this tomb, an almost impossible
job and journey to write a report(s) about a day he largely can’t remember,
was asleep for large portions of and has disappeared mostly from his cerebral
cortex. If anyone has issues with the material therein, thinks they can do a
better job, doesn’t quite agree with the
journalistic slant, then please send your reservation to Giant Duck who will
be happy to ignore them. I leave you with a big
thanks to Hayley who commandeered the coach back home in the dark, stopped to
allow the team to piss all over a BP garage, remained stationary long enough to
let Darley buy his Scotch Eggs and above all else, navigated this misaligned
bunch of fuck ups all the way back to Minehead, where none other than Steve
the night porter awaited… and room #106…. First Test update: Day Three,
Edgbaston – Australia 284 & 124-3, England 374. Australia lead by 34
runs. ‘#106’
|
*
Far from the MCC versus Chittlehampton
CC Played at Chittlehampton, 3 August
2019 Chittlehampton CC won the toss and
elected to bat Far from the MCC won by 7 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: n/a |
26 / 500 10 over match |
Team |
Chittlehampton CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
1 |
K. Roberts * |
c Newman-Robson b Hotson |
18 |
|
1 |
- |
1-41 |
2 |
T. Comar |
retired |
20 |
|
3 |
- |
- |
3 |
Dillon |
not out |
9 |
|
- |
1 |
- |
4 |
L. Roberts |
not out |
4 |
|
- |
- |
- |
5 |
Jules |
|
|
|
|
|
|
6 |
A. Anderson |
|
|
|
|
|
|
7 |
W. Ayre |
|
|
|
|
|
|
8 |
Richard |
|
|
|
|
|
|
9 |
E. Compton |
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
Alex Cox |
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
Andrew Cox |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
W5, B2 |
7 |
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 1 wicket, 10 overs) |
58 |
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
Econ |
|
1 |
Timms |
1 |
0 |
6 |
0 |
6.00 |
|
2 |
Newman-Robson |
1 |
0 |
5 |
0 |
5.00 |
|
3 |
Hoskins |
1 |
0 |
3 |
0 |
3.00 |
|
4 |
Rundle |
1 |
0 |
4 |
0 |
4.00 |
|
5 |
Bullock |
1 |
0 |
12 |
0 |
12.00 |
|
6 |
Reeves |
1 |
0 |
3 |
0 |
3.00 |
|
7 |
Hotson |
1 |
0 |
6 |
1 |
6.00 |
|
8 |
Pearson |
1 |
0 |
2 |
0 |
2.00 |
|
9 |
Howarth |
1 |
0 |
4 |
0 |
4.00 |
|
10 |
Darley |
1 |
0 |
11 |
0 |
11.00 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Team |
Far from the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
1 |
J. D. Hoskins |
c Anderson b Jules |
16 |
(23) |
2 |
- |
2-29 |
2 |
A. Darley |
run out |
0 |
(0) |
- |
- |
1-0 |
3 |
G. J. Timms |
not out |
19 |
(22) |
- |
- |
- |
4 |
J. W. Pearson |
lbw b Jules |
0 |
(1) |
- |
- |
3-29 |
5 |
G. Carter † |
not out |
14 |
(13) |
1 |
1 |
- |
6 |
M. Bullock |
|
|
|
|
|
|
7 |
I. Howarth * |
|
|
|
|
|
|
8 |
M. S. Rundle |
|
|
|
|
|
|
9 |
J. Newman-Robson |
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
J. C. W. Hotson |
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
M. K. Reeves |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
W5, LB1, B4 |
10 |
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 3 wickets, 9.5 overs) |
59 |
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
Econ |
|
1 |
L. Roberts |
1 |
0 |
3 |
0 |
3.00 |
|
2 |
Alex Cox |
1 |
0 |
6 |
0 |
6.00 |
|
3 |
Comar |
1 |
0 |
7 |
0 |
7.00 |
|
4 |
K. Roberts |
1 |
0 |
7 |
0 |
7.00 |
|
5 |
Compton |
1 |
0 |
4 |
0 |
4.00 |
|
6 |
Jules |
1 |
1 |
0 |
2 |
0.00 |
|
7 |
Richard |
1 |
0 |
1 |
0 |
1.00 |
|
8 |
Ayre |
1 |
0 |
8 |
0 |
8.00 |
|
9 |
Andrew Cox |
1 |
0 |
16 |
0 |
16.00 |
|
10 |
Dillon |
0.5 |
0 |
2 |
0 |
2.40 |
|
MOTM: G. J. Timms Champagne Moment: G. Carter’s champagne
supernova MAXIMUM!!! Buffet
Award: M. Bullock’s CAMRA stall
pasties (extra-large) MAD
Moment: Three wat comedy of
overthrows |
Opposition:
V111 / 01 Ground: G103 / 01 Captain: C007 / 66 Match No: OT / 032 |
Far from the MCC versus Erlestoke
& Coulston CC Played at Chittlehampton, 3 August
2019 Far from the MCC won the toss and
elected to bat Erlestoke & Coulston CC won by 2 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: n/a |
27 / 501 10 over match |
Team |
Far from the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
1 |
R. P. Turner |
c Upton b Moloney |
9 |
(13) |
- |
1 |
2-17 |
2 |
D. Shorten |
b Plant |
0 |
(1) |
- |
- |
1-1 |
3 |
J. A. Cartwright * |
run our |
13 |
(14) |
3 |
- |
3-31 |
4 |
M. K. Reeves |
retired |
20 |
(19) |
1 |
1 |
- |
5 |
J. C. W. Hotson † |
c and b Upton |
1 |
(7) |
- |
- |
4-38 |
6 |
J. Newman-Robson |
not out |
1 |
(4) |
- |
- |
- |
7 |
I. Howarth |
not out |
2 |
(2) |
- |
- |
- |
8 |
G. Carter |
|
|
|
|
|
|
9 |
G. J. Timms |
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
A. Darley |
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
J. D. Hoskins |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
W10, B2 |
12 |
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 4 wickets, 10 overs) |
58 |
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
Econ |
|
1 |
J. Plant |
1 |
0 |
1 |
1 |
1.00 |
|
2 |
Asserati |
1 |
0 |
7 |
0 |
7.00 |
|
3 |
Dorgon |
1 |
0 |
9 |
0 |
9.00 |
|
4 |
Moloney |
1 |
0 |
1 |
1 |
1.00 |
|
5 |
F. Plant |
1 |
0 |
6 |
0 |
6.00 |
|
6 |
Coupe |
1 |
0 |
5 |
0 |
5.00 |
|
7 |
Ladner |
1 |
0 |
3 |
0 |
3.00 |
|
8 |
Upton |
1 |
0 |
5 |
1 |
5.00 |
|
9 |
Squire |
1 |
0 |
10 |
0 |
10.00 |
|
10 |
Thomas |
1 |
0 |
9 |
0 |
9.00 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Note: M. K. Reeves retired at 55-4 (9.3 overs) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Team |
Erlestoke & Coulston CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
1 |
S. Lucas † |
c Timms b Newman-Robson |
15 |
(15) |
1 |
- |
3-37 |
2 |
A. Coupe |
c Turner b Howarth |
12 |
(6) |
1 |
1 |
1-24 |
3 |
J. Moloney |
c Reeves b Howarth |
8 |
(4) |
- |
1 |
2-33 |
4 |
D. Upton |
c Reeves b Shorten |
4 |
(9) |
- |
- |
4-41 |
5 |
H. Dorgan |
not out |
16 |
(13) |
- |
1 |
- |
6 |
M. Thomas * |
b Reeves |
1 |
(5) |
- |
- |
5-44 |
7 |
B. Squire |
c Reeves b Hoskins |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
6-45 |
8 |
J. Assirati |
b Cartwright |
0 |
(1) |
- |
- |
7-47 |
9 |
A. Ladner |
st Hotson b Cartwright |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
8-55 |
10 |
J. Plant |
not out |
1 |
(2) |
- |
- |
- |
11 |
F. Plant |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
NB1, B1 |
2 |
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 8 wickets, 9.4 overs) |
59 |
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
Econ |
|
1 |
Darley |
1 |
0 |
8 |
0 |
8.00 |
|
2 |
Turner |
1 |
0 |
16 |
0 |
16.00 |
|
3 |
Howarth |
1 |
0 |
9 |
2 |
9.00 |
|
4 |
Timms |
1 |
0 |
2 |
0 |
2.00 |
|
5 |
Newman-Robson |
1 |
0 |
6 |
1 |
6.00 |
|
6 |
Shorten |
1 |
0 |
2 |
1 |
2.00 |
|
7 |
Reeves |
1 |
0 |
1 |
1 |
1.00 |
|
8 |
Hoskins |
1 |
0 |
3 |
1 |
3.00 |
|
9 |
Cartwright |
1 |
0 |
7 |
2 |
7.00 |
|
10 |
Carter |
0.4 |
0 |
4 |
0 |
6.00 |
|
MOTM: M. K. Reeves Champagne Moment: M. K. Reeves’ second
catch (of his three) Buffet
Award: R. P. Turner’s leftover
Sunday roast (extra roast potatoes) MAD
Moment: J. A. Cartwright’s Dambuster
wicket (second bounce) |
Opposition:
V112 / 01 Ground: G103 / 02 Captain: C030 / 01 Match No: OT / 033 |
Far from the MCC versus Erlestoke
& Coulston CC Played at Chittlehampton, 3 August
2019 Far from the MCC won the toss and
elected to field Erlestoke & Coulston CC won by 32 runs Far from the MCC debuts: n/a |
28 / 502 5 over match |
Team |
Erlestoke & Coulston CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
1 |
S. Lucas † |
retired |
19 |
|
2 |
1 |
- |
2 |
J. Moloney |
c Howarth b Rundle |
6 |
|
- |
1 |
1-20 |
3 |
F. Plant |
b Hoskins |
1 |
|
- |
- |
3-32 |
4 |
J. Plant |
c Darley b Hoskins |
0 |
|
- |
- |
2-31 |
5 |
H. Dorgan |
retired |
16 |
|
2 |
1 |
- |
6 |
A. Coupe |
not out |
9 |
|
1 |
- |
- |
7 |
J. Assirati |
not out |
4 |
|
- |
- |
- |
8 |
B. Squire |
|
|
|
|
|
|
9 |
D. Upton |
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
A. Ladner |
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
M. Thomas * |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
W3, B3 |
6 |
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 3 wickets, 5 overs) |
61 |
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
Econ |
|
1 |
Hotson |
1 |
0 |
19 |
0 |
19.00 |
|
2 |
Rundle |
1 |
0 |
12 |
1 |
12.00 |
|
3 |
Hoskins |
1 |
0 |
3 |
2 |
3.00 |
|
4 |
Howarth |
1 |
0 |
21 |
0 |
21.00 |
|
5 |
Shorten |
1 |
0 |
5 |