“2024 Tour Ratings”

The Far from the MCC’s sixth Tour to Minehead will best be remembered for the lovely weather, smorgasbord of pubs offering up decent grog and of course the warm hospitality afforded us by our hosts.

Honouring the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection of 2008, and those [inferior ones] that have subsequently followed, here is the latest utterly mesmerising and beguiling findings from our delicious 2024 West Country coastal capers….

‘The Tour Player Inspector’

Name: Blake Ainsworth

Rating: Ten Ice-Creams out of Ten

How wonderfully super having little Blake on Tour worked out for everyone, reminding us all to take our foot off the alcoholic pedal and enjoy the smaller things in life. He also boasted serious stamina to outlast his teammates at the pub(s), a decent turn at boules and excellent (foot)ball control wherever he went. He also ate way more ice creams than Mr Rundle and don’t you hear different.

Name: Lee Ainsworth

Rating: One Great Upbringing out of One

Humorous, cutting and eternally moany, Lee mellowed into Tour by spending £30 on Jukebox Enya bangers, so much so, he failed to notice a stray Somerset dart landing in his flip flop and just between the toes. Fairly consistent throughout, he left unbeaten with the bat, unbeaten as Skipper (Timberscombe) and gained the admiration of everyone for engineering the successful Tour baptism of his son, Blake. Loses points however, for running his regular Skipper out (Russ) at Stogumber, but gains some kudos back for simply being unrepentant and not giving a fuck.

Name: James Bateman

Rating: 1 Aussie Mullett out 1

A complete joy to be around, Mr Bateman exuded all the effervescent qualities of youthful vigour, attributes most of the team can barely even remember. Having returned from Down Under for a couple of months, James threw himself into Tour and lowered our average age considerably. He was expectedly rusty with the bat, reasonable with the ball, but gains kudos for drinking his Friday hangover away as he stepped through the gears. His inflatable kangaroo proved a worthy companion for Giant Duck. We hope to see him on board next year.

Name: Matt Bullock

Rating: 50% Kildare Lodge Boules 50% Q-Bar Somerset Darts

Matt’s Tour always seems to exist on two parallel levels. One involves a modicum of cricket and the other leading unwary Tourmates on pub sabbaticals to sample various grogs brewed in various ways by various different hands. Always the voice of reason and always steady at the bar, Chairdude Matt was also steady out in the middle, having an extremely steady game with the gloves at Stogumber and a steadying influence with the bat.

Name: Geoff Carter

Rating: 100% his Fault

Blamed for everything that goes wrong and credited with nothing that goes right, Geoff was at fault for the Club’s website going down before Tour (obvs). He was also blamed for Russ forgetting the scorebook (car) at Stogumber and the resulting defeat. Then there was the unforecast rain at Carhampton, a lack of kebab shops in Minehead and his complete dereliction of duty by not providing work cover for Andrew Darley (missed Tour as a result). A jovial and legendary presence as ever, Geoff just rolls with the punches.

Name: Joe Cartwright

Rating: 5 Wickets out of 5

Epitomising the joy of a cricket Tour, Joe was a thoroughly engaging presence throughout, be it on or off the field. Recognised for rolling back the years on occasion and impressing all the with bat, here in Minehead Mr Cartwright did the job with the ball instead (leading wicket taker don’t you know?) A man of many layers to tap into, Joe loved Somerset and Somerset loved Joe.

Name: Richard Hadfield

Rating: 61 for 1

Once Richard got the Tour bug, he ain’t never not doing Tour. It’s as if he’s always been around; to remind Howarth of his drunken volume levels, remind the team to apply themselves despite wobbly and blurred vision and to remind everyone they can participate in some more leftfield activities as opposed to getting sloshed at the bar each day. Dry, droll and sincerely clever when he isn’t, a pleasure to have him aboard.

Name: James Hoskins

Rating: £10 at 7/4

Another popular and proactive soul to have on the Tour Bus, JMO has a competition or bet for everything. His Day-by-Day multi-choice quiz was a roaring success, despite nobody knowing exactly who did what, with what or with whom and then calculated in private under the supervision of nobody. His Tour bet on the nags came home, or maybe it didn’t, and of course he won Killer Pool and Somerset Darts, which invariably he failed at. Gains marks for taking one for the team against Porlock, but loses marks for starting a brawl after whinging to the landlady of the Q-Bar about a pint of water.

Name: Jake Hotson

Rating: Easy like Sunday Morning

After announcing his fellow Tour buddies were idiots pre-commute, Jake settled in to a more chilled and laidback persona once landing on the coast. Picked for all three matches by way of cards and coin, he failed to register a duck in any of them (must try harder). A decent showing behind the sticks at Carhampton and an assured stay at Wetherspoons without setting off any fire alarms, Mr Hotson only loses points for failing to turn up with his hand in a burn bag at Timberscombe [Tour 2004].

Name: Ian Howarth

Rating: 13 Pints of Cider out of 15

Much akin to the previous Tour to Suffolk, no world class cobs, but a fine display of general whinging, drinking and cussing spread out over the four full days. Instigated a hillside walk around Minehead, building a stone tower on the beach and throwing rocks at some loaded beer cans by the sea. Proficient at winning the Somerset darts up until he lost, winning the boules until he lost and complaining about Mr Reeves’ tallied crazy golf score. Gain marks for guiding the team home with the bat at Timberscombe, loses points for walking into the kitchen at the curry house to have a piss.

Name: Mike Reeves

Rating: UK Hat Band Size 71⁄4

A regulatory and measured Tour from our Beancounter, diligently keeping the sums in check and ensuring his measure of wine from Wetherspoons wasn’t a short one. Boosted the local economy by getting a haircut and also invested heavily at the local curry house. Unusually profligate with his bowling, chipped with some useful runs down the order and of course, unerring scoring in The MAD bible. Gains points for a hole-in-1 at the first at crazy golf, loses points for some questionable scoring of his round.

Name: Chris Roberts

Rating: Infectious

Mario Balotelli famously wore a T-shirt under his football shirt which read ‘Why Always Me?’ Bob should perhaps get one printed for next year’s Tour in a similar vein. When he doesn’t pull up short in a drunken coma, crock his ankles falling down grass embankments (with his kitbag) or simply ending up in A&E after headbutting a flying cricket ball, he’s out there catching a potentially lethal disease. Day 2 and Mr Roberts fell ill. Day 3 and Bobby selflessly went home….

Name: Mark Rundle

Rating: Alive Alive-Oh

Since his untimely passing back in the May of 2022, Mark’s cricketing stock has only risen (from the grave). The master of taking wickets with the innocuous, an obstinate bat when needed and a true talent in acidic sarcasm, Tour was made for Mark. A shame he has to put up rooming with Spam year on year, and a shame he ate less ice-creams than young Blake, but a solid uncompromising performance from our Psycho throughout.

Name: David Shorten

Rating: 3 Fantasy Animals out off 4

Exuding the joys of Touring the beauty of north Somerset, David was less joyously successful on the pitch, but nevertheless miserly with the ball. Threw himself into every facet of the four days, ignored nothing and nobody and was a positive delight to be around. Gains points for hauling Giant Duck up to Stogumber, loses points for failing to orchestrate the building of a new MAD clubhouse at our new home ground after failing to acquire some beautiful acreage in the area*.

* - To be fair, this could be Geoff’s fault.

Name: Gary Timms

Rating: 5 Van Gerwen’s out of 5

Enthusiastic and sanguine throughout Tour, Gary even booked his missus in for a night to provide essential babysitting duties so daddy Ainsworth could get wrecked at the curry house. Always good in the field, many of the team would pick a Timms’ delivery from a neighbouring field. But hey, that’s that stupid cricket sport, Gary was concentrating his focus on winning the Somerset darts (twice) and Championship Boules. Gains points for his sensational reverse pull for four at Stogumber, loses points for leaving it until the final ball (he only faced 3 balls to be fair, but then he still wasted 2).

Name: Russ Turner

Rating: Still Can’t Score Properly at Stogumber

After shouldering much of The Club’s heavy lifting for the season, it seemed only right that Skipper Turner was tasked with shouldering much of sorting the Tour to Minehead out too. Besides, he has contacts down there. Just as well, as he had to shoulder the challenge of replacing the Friday fixture due to an impromptu jolly to Taunton by Watchet. He also sorted the taxis to and from games, and provided a taxi service himself to get Spam and Nuno back to Oxford. He gains points for doing everything, but loses points for arriving late for breakfast on Day 2 and failing to eat Bob’s pre-paid breakfast on Day 3.

Name: Chris Williams

Rating: 1 Knackered Knee out of 2

Having crippled himself pre-Tour by copying the fielding methods championed by Simon Jones in Australia, Nuno came off the alcoholic subs-bench on Day 4 to hit a few balls and walk back to the pavilion. He also caught a few balls and drank some more. Whimsical and ironic throughout his stay in Somerset, Chris checked into three separate rooms at Wetherspoons in case he lost his keys (to one). Gains points for hitting a beer can with a rock on the beach, loses points for losing at Boules to Timms despite boasting about being an expert and nigh unbeatable.