“2025 Tour Ratings”

The Far from the MCC’s seventh Tour to Minehead in Somerset will best be remembered for the decent weather, pétanque, Somerset darts, a splattering of decent pubs offering up decent grog and of course the warm hospitality afforded us by our cricketing hosts.

Honouring the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection of 2008, and those [inferior ones] that have subsequently followed, here is the latest utterly mesmerising and beguiling findings from our delicious 2025 West Country coastal capers….

‘The Tour Player Inspector’

Name: Blake Ainsworth

Rating: Eleven Ice-Creams out of Ten

A second Tour of duty for Ainsworth Junior, holding his own despite coming under extreme pressure to best Mr Rundle in the ice-cream eating marathon. Talking of whom, such was his concern for his opponent, he even performed CPR on Giant Duck just in case it became a necessity. Happy to entertain himself whilst the adult idiots were busy being crap out on the field, his stamina throughout the days (and evenings) was amazing. Tour just feels so much more complete for his presence.

Name: Lee Ainsworth

Rating: 1 ball magnet out of 15

An assured Tour for Lee saw him chip in with a few cheeky wickets to complement a few cheeky runs. His starring role, however, was in the field where he morphed into this weird magnet for leather. Not a fetishist you understand, but it was quite remarkable how many balls got smacked in his direction. Some he caught, some he bungled as he effed and Jeffed, and some he simply looked at wondering if anyone else was going to help out? The doting dad, he provided the perfect example of how to keep a kid involved by placing Little Blake in the line of fire whilst umpiring.

Name: Matt Bullock

Rating: 125% beer

Available most of every day for guidance on the art of drinking, Matt also showcased how to score with aplomb at Timberscombe after pulling apart the scribbles and mistakes of the previous matches. Witty and engaging as ever at the bar, he was also witty and engaging at the bar. Gains points for an honourable toast and pilgrimage for Tony Mander on the Saturday, gains extra points for propping up the bar(s) of Watchet.

Name: Geoff Carter

Rating: 110% his Fault

Geoff enjoyed a remarkable Tour by receiving numerous complements for this keeping. It might not have been him minding the timber at Stogumber, but whoever it was, the doddery fucker was unusually tidy. A natural for self-depreciation, our legend happily took the blame for every MAD defeat whilst whacking back the ale at the bar.

Name: Joe Cartwright

Rating: Eloquent and effervescent

Eschewing a keen professionalism that has followed him from Wales, Joe took one for the team by agreeing to oversee the Minehead CC slaughtering on Friday evening. Away from cricket, Joe sought his own counsel in the Premier Inn, whilst oozing a mischievous humour and no little sarcasm as Tour unfolded around him. Gains marks for moaning less than Howarth, loses points for grumbling more than Howarth and not breaking into song in the curry house.

Name: Andrew J. Darley

Rating: 9 out of 10 on the Cobometer

After being inducted into a loony asylum on the Friday evening, Andrew was put through his mental paces before returning to thrash his mates about the quintessential village of Timberscombe on the Sunday. Buoyant, submerged, stratospherically optimistic and eternally defeated, Mr Darley is the ultimate contradiction to contradictions. Gains points for taking some photos, loses points for failing to find Salad and losing his mind at Minehead CC.

Name: James Hoskins

Rating: Dripping in mozzarella

Despite boasting decades of gambling experience, JMO moaned extensively about not knowing the new rules of gambling before losing his house and car on the Saturday. Away from financial woes and his crippling addiction, he was sensational in securing the Somerset Darts competition before sticking it all on red and seeing it go black. On the field, JMO moaned a bit and got some tap, but gains points for his eternal positivity. Sadly he loses marks for getting locked out of his hotel.

Name: Jake Hotson

Rating: No quick ferries home out of 3

After securing travel with Reeves’ Taxis to the West Country, Jake quickly set about a myriad of activity which included getting off the mark at Stogumber, joining the non-playing pissheads at Minehead, and opting to join the Darley Breakaway Union in Timberscombe to sledge Howarth whilst minding the wood. Opting against sleeping rough and returning home on the first evening, he gains points for keeping pace with Chairdude Matt on his pub pilgrimage to Watchet Harbour.

Name: Ian Howarth

Rating: 1 guitar short of a 4-piece band

After twenty years of swerving the drive to be on Tour, Spam finally got shamed into chauffeuring JMO Hoskins on this one. Once the car arrived at said destination, it duly collected dust until the drive home. Ian was largely shit at Stogumber, drunk at Minehead and slogged a few on the Sunday, but was pissed enough to be persuaded by Mr Darley into buying an electric guitar from a pawn shop. Passing motorists are now distracted by Giant Duck playing said instrument on any subsequent journeys.

Name: Mike Reeves

Rating: An unbeatable 61 out of 61

After relocating hours away from where he still chooses to play cricket, the convoluted journey to Somerset seemed like piecemeal to Mike. Having been shit with the bat all season, Tour was a revelation as be got off the mark on both occasions, more that he came back unbeaten. Dry and casually entertaining as ever, the Club’s walking chequebook succeeded in avoiding bankruptcy despite dropping over half a grand for a ruby. Gains marks for the previous statement, loses points for not instructing everyone to do a runner.

Name: Chris Roberts

Rating: Survived

Following Tour withdrawals due to Covid, a ball to the head and another excursion compromised by tumbling down a gassy embankment whilst under the influence, Bob navigated Tour ‘25 with aplomb. He even found time to dominate Crazy Golf whilst avoiding the nasty, crumbling concrete hazards. Humorous and pithy throughout, Chris volunteered his captaincy on the Sunday, casually strolling out to open the batting, playing the same shot eight times and then walking back again. Gains marks for leaving the strained NHS alone by avoiding any injury dramas.

Name: Mark Rundle v2.0

Rating: 150% firing on redesigned cylinders

Playing the full complement of games on Tour, Psycho contributed to all 3 defeats whilst avoiding breaking a sweat. Aside from succumbing to Blake Ainsworth’s ice-cream eating tally, he also enjoyed defeat at pétanque, darts, crazy golf and JMO’s Tour Quiz. Where he was successful was being sarcastic, acerbic and occasionally honest when asked an opinion. Gains points for his unique and wholly believable impersonation of the Bee Gees (Staying Alive) and also for not requiring CPR from Blake Ainsworth.

Name: David Shorten

Rating: 110% broken

Having quadrupled his job hours as he seeks to wind down his building empire, Lego was carefully glued together before Tour using advanced gaffer tape and a staple gun. This proved a masterstroke as he showcased his formidable golfing skills in winning the Putt Putt Tour invite down in Lynton & Lynmouth, but less so in holding a cricket bat. Upbeat and whimsical as ever, it was noted with some sadness that Mr Shorten steered clear of this year’s Minehead Parkrun.

Name: Gary Timms

Rating: Glass 9/10th full

With runs and wickets in both matches he played, Gary can rightfully claim to have contributed runs and wickets in both matches he played. Rarely away from the bar, he perhaps lost focus in defending his Somerset Darts and pétanque trophies, but thankfully wised up to pocket the Tour Quiz money. Energetic and upbeat throughout the event, he loses marks for not sleeping on the beach with a bottle of gin. He did however survive Tour as he didn’t sleep on the beach with a bottle of gin.

Name: Russ Turner

Rating: No dismissals to X-neighbours out of 1

Having contributed very little to Tour, other than contacting the oppositions in advance, organising the trains and taxis to and from grounds and generally keeping an order to each day, Russ finally displayed some interest and effort for the curry evening. On the field he started with a duck and organised buffet, but did improve immeasurably for the remainder. He was also successful in his one true objective and not being dismissed by former neighbour Simon Pettit in Timberscombe.

Name: Chris Williams

Rating: 28 out of 30

Nuno bowled some absolute filth on Tour, but conversely looked assured with the bat even when retired prematurely by his teammates. Where Christopher really excelled was playing French sports. Such was his domination at pétanque, it’s perhaps a shame he doesn’t use a boule to bowl at cricket. Delighted to swerve the cricketing Minehead Massacre, he found ample time to ramble around clifftops, busy himself in bars and put Spam’s electric guitar acquisition to some use.