“Snatching a Tie From the Bumhole of Victory”

Match: 26 / 683

Tied

Team	Total
Headington Quarry CC	136 - 2
D. Shorten 1 - 8
FFTMCC	136 - 7
D. Shaw 32*, I. Howarth 32*

Well into the third heat wave of the summer Lego arrived early to meet heat stressed Patrick and Dan the grounds men bemoaning the fact they had been hand watering the square for 5 hours to little visible affect. The ground just soaks it up and appears as dry as before. There’s probably word out in the subterranean fauna and they hang out there mouths gaped ready for a good drink. The great number of crows, jackdaws, common, herring, and black headed and lesser blacked backed gulls also indicates this is a hotspot for juicy morsels below the surface. This kind of dedication from the groundsmen goes unnoticed. Last year the problem was leatherjackets – the grubs of the Daddy Longlegs or Crane Fly which the Carrion crows dig up making holes in the playing surface. These need to be carefully filled back in literally in their hundreds. So, a big thanks to Dan and Patrick for giving us the chance to play on these beautiful grounds and happy holidays in August.

Arrival at Queens and checking the batting order….

At 5.50pm 10 of The MAD had arrived but only Fred from Headington Quarry. When Dan their skipper arrived, it was agreed for a 6.30pm start bowling 10 from each end in a row to speed things up. Also agreed was the super inclusive format of 2 overs per bowler and retirement at 30. Dan won the toss and elected to have a bat.

At 6.30pm the game started as we still awaited the arrival of Jamo. Jamo had left at 6.30am keen and bristling only to find himself caught up in a robbery in the local petrol station. He accosted the assailant but was then wrongly detained by the police in a case of mistaken identity. They thought he was a local fraudster who had developed a device to empty fruit machines in the area. The faces matched but was released when the fingerprints didn’t. After resuming his journey, he was unfortunately with all his pizzas kidnapped by aliens who were looking for a quick snack. Forced to make 1000 pizzas in 59 degree heat he was returned to the slip road at Chieveley on the A34 at 4.30pm only to discover the road was closed. Finally, at 7pm, but only 30minutes late, he appeared like the second coming – mirage like in the shimmering heat.

Corne demonstrating his one cricket shot.

HQ started well despatching Corne and Bagot to all parts on an unforgiving dry outfield. 38-0 off 4 overs. Timms and Howarth came next and the change of pace and guile slowed the rate. Timms going for just 6 from 2 overs, Howarth was a more tasty pastry – but this was his FIRST bowl of the season incredibly. Next Hoskins and Nickel had their go and also struggled to contain the batsmen leaving The MAD at a precarious 102 run deficit after 12 overs without a breakthrough. It is arguable that Joe now has too many muscles to bowl as he can’t hold his arms next to his body anymore. With their most capable batsmen retired the skipper brought himself on bravely with Toby Pyrah. Having made Toby run around in the hot sun and positioning him directly facing the lowering sun in a bid to toughen the young lad up, the skipper reaped his rewards as Toby consistently delivered on a good length to the swishing frustration of the batters. Lastly Dan Shaw, a desperate last addition from the very dregs of the cricketing barrel and the ever-metronomic Rundle closed up the innings, bringing The MAD back into it with HQ finishing on 136.

After a longer than usual break to rehydrate or in common language have a drink, Skipper Shorten and the ever-useless D Shaw strode out to the middle. Up against a talented bowling line up of 10 genuine bowlers The MAD would probably have to be better than they are to get to 136. Fortunately Shorten (26) got a few and incomprehensibly the physically ungifted Shaw did as well (32*). Howarth along with trademark lofted drives was a model in quick running and also a model for heat exhaustion posters as he crawled off the field (32*). Timms added another classic innings to his seasons tally with a reverse included in his 19 off just 9 balls. This all left The MAD 119 off 15 overs with just 18 required off the final 5 overs. This is where the game really started.

Skipper Shorten slaps one square….

First of all, let’s go back to JMO. Mr PMA. Positive Mental Attitude. Not today. Promoted to number 5 the skipper found him jabbering and muttering to himself about how he would get out. The day had taken its toll, it was as if the years of overextended positive thoughts were swirling like dust about him and collapsing inwards under their own gravity to create a nasty dark ball of intense negative thinking. Once at the crease he had the hunched demeanour of the condemned and was walking back 4 balls later with one to his name. Next up Vermaak, a swashbuckling character played out a maiden for the 17th over before getting bowled with his next delivery. The equation was now 13 from 3 overs. Reserving their best bowlers for the death was a cunning and cruel move for the batsmen who now found they were under intense pressure coming in. Todd their skipper, not only young, athletic and a capable batter, also proved himself to be a completely vile human being by snaring 3 bowled Madsters and a run out with relentless yorker deliveries at pace. First up Rundle and Harris weathered this inhuman robotic barrage, Harris managing 2 before being run out, and Rundle 5 including a champagne inducing 4 from the penultimate over which left only three to get off the last.

Unfortunately, Rundle was run out off the first ball of the last over bowled by the aforementioned D. Todd who had summoned all the dark forces in Oxfordshire as the sun was now practically setting. The crows and gulls were cawing and swirling, clearly under his spell and that is the context in which the young Toby Pyrah entered the scene. It was a disgusting setting for a young innocent to be thrown into, and despite the toughening tactics Shorten had deployed earlier, this was not enough as the repugnant Todd bowled him second ball. This left 3 needed from 3, and to the background of Todd’s spitting and gnashing teeth, the menacing birds flapping as if from a Hitchcock movie and the dying light reflecting what was to perhaps become the dying hope of The MAD Cricket team out strode Nickel to the middle. Attempting a second run Rundle was run out leaving 1 needed off one for the tie and Bagot to make his way to the middle, and afterwards confess “this isn’t what I wanted to happen”.

Toby (right) prepares to bring The MAD home.

With skipper Shorten interfering and giving far too much advice from square leg umpire – to just fucking run, which is what he’d been saying for the last four overs, it came down to Bagot v the antichrist Todd. Bagot never saw it, but it hit his pads. Nickel was halfway down already and screaming for Bagot to run which he did at great speed, because he is a supreme amateur triathlete when not playing this silly game, and whilst the ball was fumbled in panic both batters made their ground, with fielders jumping in the air excitedly and shouting and laughing and collapsing. IT WAS A TIE.

What a game, embraces all round, a most suitable end to a most equitable game of cricket. Thank you HQ and all the Madsters for playing a part in this classic. These are the moments we wait for and this is why cricket can be the greatest of all games played at any level.

Bagot (second from left above) walking off after securing a tie.

Footnotes

· D Todd is not the antichrist but a wonderful human glamorised as such for the purposes of literary effect.

· J Hoskins effectively had a psychological reboot to produce a PMA performance of classic proportions in the following game.

· D Shaw is exceptionally talented in many ways, and The MAD is always grateful and relieved when he is amongst us.

’Lego’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far From the MCC versus Headington Quarry CC Played at Queens College, 8 July 2026 Headington Quarry CC the toss and elected to bat Match Tied Far from the MCC debuts: n/a

26 / 683 20 over match

Team	Headington Quarry CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
	TOTAL	(for 2 wickets, 20 overs)	136

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8

Team	Far From the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
	TOTAL	(for 7 wickets, 20 overs)	136

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9

MOTM: G. J. Timms Champagne Moment: M. S. Rundle’s boundary (needing 7 to win) Buffet Award: J. Nickel’s vegan sausage rolls with extra lettuce type things MAD Moment: J. D. Hoskins sprinting from third man to midwicket in between overs whilst fielding….

Opposition: V0 / 0 Ground: G0 / 0 Captain: C0 / 0 Match No: 20 / 207