“Signs of Dementia”

Match: 26 / 680

Won by 6 wkts

Team	Total
Appleton CC	167 - 3
S. Shorten 1 - 13
FFTMCC	168 - 4
D. Shaw 62, J. Harris 52

Season 2026 will forever be synonymous with ageing bodies and injuries, which is unsurprising given the geriatric trajectory for most of the team. So, it was both heartening and most welcome that Sunday gone would be remembered for something else: that of the ailing and misfiring brain.

After a shining a torch on Jan Webster’s unavailability to play anywhere other than his sacred Cassington last week, this week we turn to his cognitive wiring sparking and failing on regular occasions – much to the amusement of his team(mates). The first blip was wandering all the way out to the middle to opening the batting without the use of... erm, his bat. Shamefaced he duly returned. He would later compound this abject failure by forgetting his bat at the pavilion before leaving for the pub. This the pub where he kindly bought a round of drinks and forgot them at the bar to return to the table. 

Webster (right) sans a wooden instrument.

Sadly, this pathetic tale of bat fog was still not complete, oh no. No, our mentally challenged hero would be escorted back to Spam’s car boot to retrieve said article, only to be then given the wrong bat (Russ Turner’s) to take back home. Gentlemen, if this is where it is all going, then for fuck’s sake, let’s hang the boots up now and save our quickly, diminishing respectability....

As a footnote to the above and only marginally less senile, was a carefully choreographed shot of John Harris’ fifty manicured to taste on a Canon zoom lens, only for Mr Vermaak to walk directly into shot at point blank range as the photo was taken. This, after having sat next to the fucking cameraman for some ten minutes?! And we might as well throw in the skipper’s confusion with the 6'6" Bob Roberts and a geriatric OAP....

Case closed.

But what about the match?

Here Webster tries batting with a bat.

Erm, Russ continued his rich vein of form in losing the toss and then watched Appleton bat for hours without losing a wicket on a hot and humid day where opportunities were at a premium. None of the MAD bowlers were particularly crap, but on a pitch which offered little in lateral movement and openers who were well-versed in their job, nothing really took shape other than the incremental rise of the away team total for zero wickets.

Drinks were good, cold out the fridge and delivered after a batch of a dozen unremarkable overs (of which there were several). Lemon seemed to pull rank on the (cheap) blackberry Vimto-like cordial, but we’re splitting hairs here.

Finally! Finally, it happened just as spectators were drifting asleep on their chairs and half-maintained seating, Ed Gilkes (30) wandered down the track to a nicely delivered Timms’ flighty aperitif and... BOWLED. Wow – a wicket! One brings... and no, it really doesn’t, not on this day. In fact, that really was the highlight of an Appleton innings worth 167-3 where fellow opener Atkinson (82) was unaware of the match length and so bedded in for 40 overs when, erm... there were 35.

Harris pulls one whilst Keeper Gilkes does some praying.

Time for tea and time to put your plate of sandwiches down, shuffle off to do something more pressing and forget where you put them. See the start of this ramble for further details....

When everyone could be bothered to rise themselves, Webster (with bat) decided he didn’t need the implement in the first place and swiped across the line to depart and blame the arrival of his long-suffering missus (Emma) for an innings less memorable than Keir Starmer's rein as prime minister. Thereafter, see the details of the away team’s innings for memorable moments.

Young Mr Shaw (62) impressed with a knock that when sub-divided by drops equalled Donald Trump’s IQ, but remember this Dan, you will play far more assured and wonderful knocks and be sent packing by one-handed grabs that came out of... nowhere. Ride your luck, enjoy the day. His partner in accumulation was someone who would of course remember how cruel the game is, run out for fuck all in his previous knock when it... really wasn’t his fault. Today, Mr Harris (52) batted with aplomb, ignored his heart monitor, lost 16 stone in the process of sweating all over Brasenose and notched a rather nice fifty.

Harris celebrating his fifty….

A century stand between Harris and D Shaw.

Appleton’s bowling on the day was threadbare at best, they tried manfully, but on a pitch flattening out in the late afternoon heat it was a pretty futile task. Turner (15) ran himself out towards the end blaming Shorten, who together with Howarth chipped off the remainder of the run-chase against some school kids. MAD win by 6 wkts.

Both teams retreated to the newly reopened Slow & Steady pub following the game, a watering hole formerly known by just about every name devised by mankind, which really hasn’t looked very much different in any of its guises throughout the past two decades. There the two teams had a beer, enjoyed a laugh and then cruelly picked on Webster for the remaining time available.

’Prof Brainfog’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far From the MCC versus Appleton CC Played at Brasenose, 21 June 2026 Appleton CC won the toss and elected to bat Far From the MCC won by 6 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: n/a

26 / 680 35 over match

Team	Appleton CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
	TOTAL	(for 3 wickets, 35 overs)	167

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8

Team	Far From the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
	TOTAL	(for 4 wickets, 30.5 overs)	168

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1
2
3
4
5
6
7

MOTM: J. Harris Champagne Moment: G. J. Timms’ excellent yorker to remove opener E. Gilkes Buffet Award: D. Shorten’s contentious home cooked fruit pie (no cream) MAD Moment: J. vdG. Webster walking out to bat, getting out to the middle and realising he had no… erm, bat

Opposition: V0 / 0 Ground: G0 / 0 Captain: C0 / 0 Match No: 35 / 252