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0 - 9  |  A - F  |  G - K  |  L - P  |  Q - U |  V - Z

 

 

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MAD Glossary “Q – U”

(Updated to end of Season 2023)

 

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Comic book? Graphic novel? Back of a graffiti-daubed toilet door? The Glossary is an idea dating back to 2006 which was sewn by Mike Reeves, who having recently joined the club from a shit pub team worse than our own, declared he hadn’t got a clue what everyone else was on about. His reasoning was that since the club was established some eight years previous, many of the terms, references and lingo were alien to the unacquainted.

 

Fast forward to the future and after an annually exhaustive MOT, the Far from the MCC’s allegedly most popular web page comes back online. A huge amount of thanks to all contributors, however small, for the gems and inspiration which have gone into creating this encyclopaedic breakdown of MAD folklore.

 

 

 

 

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Q.

 

Every decision a MAD Skipper makes is immediately queried by his team. Every single one. Year after year. That’s the problem with democracy. So… simply… DO. AS. YOU. ARE. F______. TOLD!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Q Bar

 

Actually, named the “Quay Inn” in Minehead, with a LARGE ‘Q’ emblem on its chimney. Please don’t ask Mr Timms to tell you any of his jokes about the pub….

 

 

 

 

 

Quandary

 

Would best describe the thoughts of skipper Martin Westmoreland during the tea interval on the 14th of June, 2009 whilst scribbling down his batting order to chase down a paltry … erm…. 

 

 

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Queens College

 

Picturesque central Oxford cricket ground which is home to The MAD’s neighbours and opponents Isis CC.

 

 

 

 

 

Quiz (Gary)

 

On the 2017 Tour to Minehead, Mr Timms chose to opt out of dissolving his insides with a curry, instead opting to run a quiz before the rest of the team were plastered.

 

 

 

 

 

Quiz (Matt)

 

On the 2016 Tour to Hythe & Dibden, Mr Bullock unveiled an excellent thought-provoking quiz during the annual curry night. In it, the answers to several questions involved mathematical formula which utilised MAD player numbers (MAD maths if you will). It was thought a great success.

 

 

 

 

 

Radio (ITT Combat)

 

Although resembling a piece of shit from an Action Man film, this rare and bespoke analogue radio became the prize possession of Mr I. C. Leggate. Purportedly made behind the Iron Curtain, it enabled Ian to receive transmissions from the early 1950’s as he sat outside the Dew Drop pub in Summertown. Requiring the world’s supply of batteries to operate, you could distinctly hear the Russian military broadcasting propaganda about the perils of trusting non-communist regimes. Or was it just a crackle and distorted hiss? What we do know is that it was crap for picking up Radio 5 Live commentary for a Test Match….

 

 

 

 

 

Raving

 

An all-day bender in Minehead in 2017 would find a bunch of MAD tourists pulling shapes to house music in the backroom of a Wetherspoons dive. We don’t want to identify them all, but Mike Ashley was there….

 

 

 

 

 

Red Arrows

 

An amusing reference used by past player (and founder) Eddie Lester whilst on Tour in Minehead in 2003. It described the sensation of standing at mid-on whilst the bowling of Martin Westmoreland was summarily smashed over his head with alarming speed and regularity (much like a fly-past from the Red Arrows).

 

Matt Bullock also snapped the Red Arrows on the Eastbourne Tour of 2007.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Red Lion

 

Which Red Lion pub? Any Red Lion pub – you choose. It seems whoever The MAD are playing against, they inevitably meet up before the game at a pub with that name. A classic example being Cassington (v Isis CC in 2013) – which had various groups of MAD players split between numerous pubs of that name….

 

 

 

 

 

Responsible Adult

 

The Club are a little thin on the ground when it comes to having responsible adults. You win some, you lose some.

 

 

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Retired (before they’re 50)

 

The ambition of most men is to retire from their shitty workplace. James Hoskins and Posh Builder (Dave Shorten) have joined the land of the smug and done just that, although both quietly keep their hands in so to speak….

 

 

 

 

 

Rhyme

 

On Tour in 2015, bowler Dave Shorten got torn a new arsehole in the opening game versus Sarisbury CC. If that wasn’t bad enough, his teammates serenaded him with a now infamous rhyme….

 

“He bowls it left-t-t, he bowls it right-t-t, David Shorten-n, he’s bowling shi-i-i-i-i-t-t-t-t-e-e-e-e!!!”

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Ribena

 

A nice cold can of Strongbow Dark Fruit, the connoisseurs drink of choice to counteract the effects of serious dehydration on the Tour to Suffolk in 2018.

 

 

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“Let he who is without sin, yet absolutely tanked up on ‘bena, paste the first fucker who looks at him ‘funny’.”

- J. vdG. Webster

 

 

 

River Exe

 

The river which runs past Bridgetown CC’s beautiful little ground in Minehead. It became the de facto bullseye when playing any aggressive strokes.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

RJT or RJB?  (Hadfield)

 

After his sensational debut at the turn of the millennium, Richard Hadfield mysteriously disappeared before reappearing some se7en years later for The MAD in an equally mysterious manner. These mysterious goings on gave up the nickname Lord Lucan which Richard proudly accepted. However, as the years passed by, the Lucan joke integrated itself with the real Richard James Thurston and became Richard John Bingham, and thus many a scorecard and match report has R. J. B and not R. J. T… or is it the other way round?

 

 

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Robbed (POTS Awards)

 

There is nothing like a good fucking moan, and Messrs Reeves and Howarth are probably among The MAD’s worst offenders. Going back over a decade, Mike and Ian still bitch on about being stitched up at end of season AGM and not winning the prestigious “Player of the Season” trophy.

 

Mike blames Mark Shelley for his omission when playing for the now defunct Marlborough House, whilst Ian apportions blame on Antony Mann and Lee Ainsworth being more popular than him in 2004 and 2016.

 

 

 

 

 

Robin Smith

 

The story goes that Hampshire were at The Parks back in 1998, and following the completion of the match went on the piss in Jericho.  Later in the evening at The Jude, Robin was pestered by Ed Lester and Baldrick to play for the pub’s cricket team. He is said to have been amused (and drunk) and agreed to become a patron (of sorts). That is where this story ends.

 

 

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Rose Bowl

 

A small group of MAD players watched an ODI at the Rose Bowl in 2010. It was a day/night affair between England and arch enemy Australia, and one where Mr Hoskins took his very best camera along for the ride.

 

 

 

 

 

Rubbish

 

The perfect description of an all too familiar abject Far from the MCC batting display. There are far too many of them to mention in recent years, however there is a link to a nice, yet depressingly familiar example below.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Run Out (victim)

 

Law 38 of the “Laws of cricket” – a batsman is run out if at any time while the ball is in play and no part of his bat or person is grounded behind the popping crease when his wicket is fairly put down. Despite playing the game since a junior, Paddy Mellor seems blissfully unaware of this ruling (below).

 

 

 

 

 

Run Out (perpetrator)

 

Law 38 of the “Laws of cricket” – a batsman is run out if at any time while the ball is in play and no part of his bat or person is grounded behind the popping crease when his wicket is fairly put down. Despite playing the game for an eternity, Jan Webster is unable to gauge running between the wickets. Thankfully, Jan always makes it back to his crease, however his partner….

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

Royal Oak

 

The Royal Oak pub on the Woodstock Road, Oxford, was home and sponsor to the Far from the MCC for seasons 2009 and 2010. It hosted a couple of successful AGMs and is still popular with team members today. An M&B pub, its closest equivalent is the Cape of Good Hope in the centre of town.

 

 

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Rusty Bicycle

 

Due to the pub’s close proximity to the Oxford Spires School off the Cowley Road, whenever the school hosted pre-season nets, the Rusty Bicycle saw a fair amount of cricketing trade thereafter. It’s a decent haunt with decent ales and ciders. It also has a decent rusty bicycle hanging outside.

 

 

 

 

 

Sainsburys Gift Voucher

 

Back in the day, these orange gift vouchers replaced Sterling as a means for David Emerson to pay his match fees (and fines). By the end of the regular season in 2009, the club Treasurer had accumulated such that Sainsbury’s ended up catering for a Tri-game Tournament barbeque at Cutteslowe Park.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Sambuca

 

The shot of choice for most AGM’s and also the connoisseurs fast-track to getting shitfaced on Tour.

 

 

 

 

 

Sanitisation

 

Forever synonymous with the Covid-19 epidemic, cricket players were instructed to regularly sanitise their hands during the course of a match. The ball was cited as a vessel of transmission….

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Screaming Cat Bat

 

Discovered in one of the million charity shops frequented by Thornton Smith in 2011. On what first appeared to be a piece of driftwood, would in fact turn out to be a highly prized Screaming Cat bat. Hand-made in Australia by Julian Millichamp, its value is as yet to be ascertained. Thorn eventually gifted the bat to David Emerson following the Kiwi’s campaign of harassment that lasted well over a year.

 

 

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As a footnote, Mr Emerson recently refurbished this piece of wood and has donated it to Mr Timms to assist him with his leg spin(?)

 

 

 

Self-Importance

 

Singularly the most time-honoured fine in MAD history. It is doubtful any member of the club has escaped being branded as self-important at one stage or another. The late (and great) Adrian J. Fisher was forever important, largely because he was, and will be, forever right.

 

 

 

 

 

Self-Loathing (Bowling)

 

Despite taking well over a hundred wickets in his FFTMCC career, Steve Dobner declared that he’d never bowl for The MAD again. He still did, of course he did, when he played, but he moaned and complained every time he is tossed the ball.

 

 

 

 

 

Sepia

 

Mr Howarth debuted his new Canon camera in season 2015. Blessed with all the high-spec mod cons one would expect from such a reputable brand, he decided in his infinite wisdom to shoot the first two matches in low-fi sepia. No … we don’t either.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

Shallow (Hiram)

 

Hiram Shallow, or is it Hilam Shallow, or even Hylam – either way he was the Stanford T20 player for St. Vincent & the Grenadines who for several years was the chief destroyer of any bowling attack in Oxfordshire.

 

He will go down in MAD folklore as the man who entertained the villagers of Tetsworth in 2009, by smashing bowling to all parts on his way to a quite brutal 182 not out. He eventually retired bored – the unofficial eleventh way of being out in cricket.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Shelley (Mark)

 

Team mascot and irregular Captain of the now defunct Marlborough House. The FFTMCC enjoyed a love hate relationship with Mr M. W. Shelley, a rabble rouser in his formative years, he was a man who never shied away from voicing his opinion, even when nobody was listening. But all things turn full circle, and in 2014 Mark finally represented The MAD to play alongside his fond admirer Mike Reeves [bad joke].

 

 

 

 

 

Shitfaced

 

An accurate and inventive descriptive for the default state of most MAD Tourists.

 

 

 

Shoulder

 

Whinge, whinge, fucking whinge. After getting his own way for years and being entrusted with the new ball, David Emerson decided in 2014 that his shoulder was no longer up to the task of bowling. It was all Mr Westmoreland’s fault for flogging him for all these years apparently.

 

 

 

 

 

Short Sleeve Long Sleeved Jumper

 

New to the MAD wardrobe was this brilliant long sleeve jumper with no long sleeves. In fact, it looked remarkably like the short sleeve variety. A classic, must-have purchase back in the day from the Mooman.

 

 

 

Shotley Peninsula

 

Venue of The MAD’s first game of the Ipswich Tour of 2023, the club proved itself a perfect host who totally got the friendly, touring ethos. We will hopefully and definitely return one day if those two words can be used in the same sentence?

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Showering (Intimately)

 

A classic MAD fine which seemed to gather momentum during Season 2005. On showering after the game, or not showering as the case may be, players were hammered at the Fines Committee for being ‘intimate’ with fellow teammates. Was it really so bad to shower with Nick Hebbes?

 

 

 

( Link to Fines )

 

 

 

Shrewsbury

 

A historic market town with a medieval heritage boasting plenty of attractions and places to drink. Located in Shropshire, it was the destination for Team MAD whilst on Tour in 2014, but unfortunately things didn’t quite pan out that way… did they, Paddy?

 

 

 

 

 

Shrewsbury Flower Show

 

One of the largest horticultural events in England, and the very reason that The MAD’s notorious Tour to Shrewsbury failed, after the B&B cancelled our bookings in favour of the welly-wearing Good Life brigade.

 

 

 

 

 

Shut The Box

 

A game of dice for one or more players, commonly played in a group of two to four. It is particularly popular with drunken tourists in the town of Ipswich who enjoy sitting in pubs most the day getting pissed. with Traditionally, a counting box is used with tiles numbered 1 to 9 where each can be covered with a hinged or sliding mechanism, though the game can be played with only a pair of dice, pen, and paper.

 

 

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Sidearm Pro

 

The ‘Sidearm Pro’ is a revolutionary throwing device than when mastered can produce deliveries to test and challenge the very best of batsmen. Needless to say, The MAD have found it nigh on impossible to counter. It was purchased to assist guys struggling at nets with their bowling and to help supplement knocking the batsman’s heads off.

 

 

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Sidmouth

 

The Far from the MCC toured the region of Sidmouth, Devon in 2010. It was an enjoyable and successful little trip – and on a few occasions it didn’t piss down.

 

 

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( Link to Tour Ratings )

 

 

 

Sidmouth CC

 

Despite touring the area and despite staying just 100 yards from the cricket ground, The MAD never played Sidmouth CC. Blame the Tour organiser James Hoskins, who to be honest, never does anything for this club anymore….

 

 

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Skip

 

Club hedonist Ian C. Leggate regularly slept in skips after a night on the lash. His preferred location was Jericho, where the chances of skewering yourself on a heroin needle amongst the garbage and flotsam are vastly reduced.

 

 

 

 

 

Skittles

 

Perennially linked with FFTMCC Tours, a game of pub skittles is the connoisseur’s choice for the team pisshead. You can drink as much as you like, play as badly as you want, and even injure your teammates by lobbing large wooden balls at them whilst they try to reset the skittles.

 

 

 

 

 

Skittle Alley (Place of Sleep)

 

The Lamb & Flag on Blagdon Hill, Minehead caters for all your alcoholic needs, but perhaps more importantly you can stow your kitbag in the skittle alley and have a kip on it.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Skoda (Joy Riding Thereof)

 

Several jokes have been trotted out over the years when referring to the transportation of Team MAD. Back in 2003, Ian Howarth’s acquisition of a largely shit Skoda would only add fuel to the fire.

 

 

 

 

 

Sledging

 

Not the act of travelling downhill at speed on a toboggan, but the act of verbally abusing or unsettling a batsman, in an attempt to make him lose concentration and give his wicket away. Often offensive, occasionally amusing, always a topic of conversation. Essex MADsters Steve Dobner [pictured] and his brother-in-law, Gary Littlechild, are both wonderful exponents.

 

 

 

 

 

Smug

 

It a rare thing to hear none of the team accused of being smug during a post-match Fines Committee. Most of the team are smug, very smug, and some of them are nauseatingly so. James Pearson is definitely the smuggest, who singlehandedly gave rise to the fine of “extreme smugness”.

 

 

 

 

 

Social Secretary

 

A notorious Club position which is ratified each year at the end of season AGM. Nobody has ever been successful in the role, largely down to the club’s indifference during the off season, but Nick Hebbes once organised a trip to Lords. Failures in office consist of T. P. W. Smith (sacked), Mr. A. Cavanagh (awol after suggesting a trip to a lap dancing club), D. M. Edwards (resigned in hatred of everyone) and the list just keeps going on….

 

Vicki Howarth was inducted in the fall of 2014 followed by Chris Williams sometime after. Then, all of a sudden … it all ended, considered a poisoned chalice. There is now no MAD Social Secretary.

 

 

 

 

 

Somerset Darts

 

A game of darts particular to areas of Somerset. The MAD were exposed to this form of the game whilst touring in Minehead. Nobody fully understands it other than the Chairman Matt Bullock – which may explain why he nearly always wins….

 

 

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South Africa

 

Now that Quintin Sanders has bowled for the FFTMCC, we can lay claim to another country. As a secondary offence, he was also culpable for the ‘Broken Nets’ item found on another page….

 

 

 

 

 

Southsea

 

The destination for the Tour of 2011 in Hampshire. The team stayed at the Sandringham Hotel not far from the seafront and enjoyed ample success – especially if you qualify losing as a form of success.

 

 

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( Link to Tour Ratings )

 

 

 

Spam

 

The nickname of Player #77 (Ian Howarth) and also a reference to the volume of shit that is sent by team members to fellow members each and every day. See “E-mail List” for further details. But yes, Ian is one of the worst offenders by the way. Funny that.

 

 

 

 

 

Spam’s Bunny

 

Mark Rundle is/was Ian Howarth’s (Spam) bunny. See “Bunny” for further information relating to.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Spiritualized

 

Whilst not strictly about cricket, this infamous Spiritualized bike has been used to transport MAD cricketers to and from games for many years, although not that many and not that many times. It’s more synonymous with being used infrequently and subsequently sold by James Pearson to Ian Howarth, borrowed by Jan Webster and then sold back to James by Ian after being used… infrequently.

 

 

 

 

 

Spond

 

The latest attempt in app form to have players reply to a simple “Y” or “N” question when asked if they can play a game of fucking cricket (or not). Introduced mid-season, because who doesn’t like having ANOTHER app to clog up your phone, it was promptly broken by Jan who exceeded the daily limit on updates with his YES, NO, YES, NO, NO YES, SORRY replies to each and every game request.

 

 

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Sports Direct

 

See “Mike Ashley” – but the UK’s No 1 Sports Retailer is forever linked with the legendary CEO.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Stanton St. John (SSJ)

 

Stanton St. John is an attractive civil parish to the northeast of Oxford. It is much more attractive than the cricket ground which is regularly whored out to interested parties towards the end of the season. It is also a great place to showcase a heart attack and receive essential CPR from your opposition.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Stogumber Number (15)

 

The term came about whilst The MAD were on Tour in 2003 and playing against Somerset side Stogumber CC. It would seem nearly everything that happened that day would feature the number 15. See “15” for further details.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Stour Provost

 

A North Dorset cricket club that Toured to Oxford in July of 2023. The MAD hosted them at Horspath CC in a match that will be remembered for lots of drinking and a grandstand finale.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Stratfield Brake (KCC)

 

How can anyone forget the soulless, windswept cricket ground at Stratfield Brake? It became home to The MAD in 2008 after they were usurped by the bursar at Pembroke. The partnership lasted just one year, but thanks for the memories….

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Stripping

 

Before the historic Zambuca Tigers match on Tour to Brighton in 2021, a biblical downpour convinced a drunken Ian Howarth to strip down to his briefs, run onto the wet outfield and check the wicket (as you do).

 

 

 

 

 

Stump Cam

 

Whilst guesting at Aston Tirrold in 2016, The MAD were both intrigued and captivated by home player Mr D. Kilcoyne’s DIY video coverage of the match. A stump cam was supplemented by another view from atop the pavilion. Impressive indeed – capturing as it did the shambolic dismissal of Andrew Darley.

 

 

 

 

 

Stumps (After Cricket Drinking Game)

 

Notably played after the Tour game at Shotley Peninsula in 2023 where players take it turns to down pints of beer/cider and run to a planted cricket stump some 30 yards away or so. Once there they must circle the stump a good number of times with both hands pressed down, then run all the way back again without tumbling over or making a twat of themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

Suffolk

 

Most definitely not to be confused with the county of Norfolk under any circumstances, Suffolk is an expansive patch of farmer’s land on the east coast of Britain. The MAD toured East Anglia in 2018 and 2023 and upset most the local teams by writing about Norfolk.

 

 

 

 

 

Super Strength

 

Nope, not a reference to a member of the team with unreal strength, but an in-joke referring to the alcohol percentage of lager quaffed by the legendary Andrew Morley before, during and after a game. It was chiefly responsible for the club investing in insurance.

 

 

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Sutton Hoo

 

The site of two Anglo-Saxon cemeteries dating from the 6th and 7th centuries in Suffolk, England. An archaeologists dream and a perfect respite from an all-day drinking session with a cricket Tour party.

 

 

 

 

 

Swindon

 

Yep, it’s a shithole and everyone from Oxford hates the place. Nonetheless, The MAD contested matches against the (Swindon) Nomads from 2001 until 2014 (it was a pub landlord thing apparently).

 

 

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Actually, in the year of the millennium (2000), The Jude travelled to Swindon to play another pub team The Beehive, and they very nearly never came back….

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Tall Bob

 

Since Chris Roberts joined the club back in 2010, The MAD have seemingly been fixated with height. This fixation reached its nadir on Tour in Norfolk in 2012, where arguments raged over who was the tallest and who was the smallest. A subsequent line up revealed Ian Howarth was the shortest, but he decried the absence of Thornton Smith and Gary Timms (amongst others)…. All very pathetic really and all Tall Bob’s fault. The fixation continues to this day….

 

 

 

 

 

Taylor (Claire)

 

Samantha Claire Taylor is an English cricketer and former member of a highly successful England women’s team. The MAD were lucky enough to meet Claire on their Tour of Louth in 2009, when she represented the England ladies against a Louth CC Men’s XI for their grand opening of a new pavilion.

 

 

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She will be remembered fondly, not least because she found time to talk to the lads and sign our book, but also because she agreed to an impromptu salsa class from team regular Ian Leggate [whilst he was drunk].

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

The friendship was renewed in June of 2013, when Claire guested for her old university pals, the Lemmings. It’s a small world, innit?

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Telegraph Pole

 

On Tour in 2005, Ian Howarth somehow managed to score a direct hit onto a telegraph pole when hitting a six out of Timberscombe cricket ground. A muffled ‘thud’ was heard before the ball rebounded back over a perimeter wall and back onto the pitch. Quite remarkable and deserving of Champagne Moment at The MAD’s end of season bash.

 

 

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Telegraph Pole 2

 

On Tour to Felixstowe in 2018 the team stopped off on the way home at Reach CC. Here they found defunct telegraph pole in the middle of the field, which when hit during a match would score or cost four runs.

 

 

 

 

 

Tennis

 

Turning their hand to being crap at most sports, The MAD decided to hold a men’s doubles competition whilst on Tour to Minehead in 2005. With partners drawn at random, it was vital you got a decent pairing, but Mike Clarke got Jake….

 

 

 

 

 

Tesco Badge

 

For years the players of the Far from the MCC found endless material to joke about relating to Steve Dobner’s employment at corporate behemoth Tesco’s. Scarcely a day past by without someone grumbling or joking about food prices, poorly stocked shelves and inadequate staffing and customer service.

 

When Steve eventually bit the bullet and left the company, he also left his name badge behind at a MAD poker evening. This prized possession now resides Howarth’s kitbag.

 

 

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Tesco Value Brad Pitt

 

Having joined the Far from the MCC a good few years ago, David Emerson was amusingly compared to a ‘Tesco Value’ Brad Pitt. He may have been blessed with half-decent looks, but his behaviour and social standing earned him his stripes (arf!)

 

 

 

 

 

Terror.ism

 

A reference to an iconic piece of graffiti which adorned a wall flanking a council pitch at the Cowley Marshes. Venue to previous MAD games, the team try to stay well clear of this depressing council pitch when planning their fixtures.

 

Also, see “Mural” for further details.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Tetsworth

 

South of Thame in Oxfordshire, the village will forever be synonymous with one Hylam Shallow and a record team score of 358 piled against a beleaguered FFTMCC bowling attack. As a footnote, Martin Westmoreland scored a 50 in some end of season mud on our final visit in 2011.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

TFC

 

An amusing and often used term, particularly in village cricket, which describes somebody who has participated in a game but failed to do anything of substance (i.e  they haven’t batted or bowled or caught anything). It stands for “Thanks For Coming”.

 

 

 

( Link to Inspectorate )

 

 

 

Thailand

 

Formally known as Siam, the Kingdom of Thailand in Southeast Asia is where the Emerson Bros go most winters to lose their loads.

We haven’t got any action shots or images of scantily clad young ladies, so here is a Thai green curry instead….

 

 

 

 

 

Thigh Pad (JJOCC)

 

An artefact from the club’s halcyon days in the presumed late 90’s – this moth eaten, and discoloured thigh pad was bought by Nick Hebbes at a Club Auction (£6.00) at the 2011 AGM. It had resided in a multitude of club kit bags over the years without anyone remembering actually using it, save maybe to use as a head rest to enable better sleeping patterns during one of Geoff Carter’s pulsating innings.

 

 

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Thomas Tank Engine

 

Thomas doesn’t exist, he is a figment of Rev Wilbert Awdry’s mind. However, steam trains that run on the West Somerset Rail line do exist, and they can transport an entourage of pissed cricketers from Minehead to Stogumber (and Watchet).

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

“Throw some money at it.”

 

After a season of seismic underachievement in 2011, Mike Reeves decided to “throw some money at it” [his batting] in the hope of rescuing his reputation as a number 3 batsman. This included a personal trip to the Dummer Cricket Centre where he could ignore any tips and decent coaching. Still – Mike did coin a great term.

 

 

 

 

 

Tim Henman

 

Nobody has actually met Mr. Henman per se, but he has been seen a few times in the local pub (Chequers Inn) prior to games against Astons CC. Tiger Tim lives just behind the trees at one end of the ground. And no – nobody has yet hit a cricket ball into his estate.

 

 

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Timms x 2

 

Not a reference to the two ducks in one innings by our enigmatic all-rounder (of sorts), but a recent scorebook which found Mr Timms bowling twice against Wootton & Bladon in 2017. Or are there actually two Gareth Timms in existence, who carefully slip in and out the team without anyone noticing?

 

 

 

 

 

Tina’s Travel

 

Tina’s Travel down in Hampshire near the New Forest caters for all your travelling needs! They provide an excellent 24hr service with 14 and 17-seater buses to ferry pissed cricketers about … or at least that was the case for Tour 2015.

 

 

 

 

 

Tintin Tin

 

Now legendary tin box which came to prominence during the Covid blighted season of 2020. Since the closure of pavilions prevented teams from enjoying cricket teas on a Sunday, MAD players would instead huddle around Mike’s Tintin tin awaiting a slice of flapjack that his missus had baked for the occasion.

 

 

 

 

 

Toff Stump

 

On Tour to Hampshire in 2016, James Pearson was asked to concentrate his bowling at Bramshaw CC on “toff stump”. Top of off stump? On a posh stump? On top of a posh off stump? Fuck knows, you’d maybe need to consult with Mr Hotson as to its truest meaning / origin – as he recalls it best.

 

 

 

 

 

Toilet Seat

 

Never to be forgotten, Ian Leggate skippered a game on Tour in 2011 with a toilet seat medallion. We’re not quite sure what the locals thought at the time, or whether it subsequently became a trend with the local yoot….

 

 

 

 

 

Tonking

 

A fairly common term to describe giving, or in our case usually receiving, a substantial stuffing in a game of cricket. It was a much-loved term for Aussie Antony G. Mann and gave rise to its big brother, namely the “uber-tonking”.

 

 

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( Link to Inspectorate )

 

 

 

Top Trumps (MAD)

 

As a special surprise for the team of the end of season 2009 AGM, Ian Leggate and James Hoskins engineered a pack of MAD Top Trump cards based on players past and present to have represented the club. The cards were a roaring success on the night, even if players are still arguing to this day about their “Drinking Ability” and “Self Importance” ratings.

 

 

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Top Trumps (MAD) – Part II

 

Four years after the first set of MAD Top Trumps came this infinitely inferior set which was distributed at the 2013 AGM. Containing a good few more cards, but of considerably shitter quality and no distinguishable cover card, Part Deux received a mixed reaction before Treasurer, Mr Reeves, dubbed it “a complete waste of club resources and a shocking investment”.

 

 

 

 

 

Top Stumps (MAD) – Part III

 

The third incarnation of The MAD’s line of card packs, Russ Turner produced this superior and updated pack for the 2021 AGM. A pack of these beauties can be yours for a fiver, so simply contact the club (whilst stocks last).

 

 

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( Link to Club Info and Email at Footer )

 

 

 

Tour Driver

 

Any of the MAD tourists who volunteer for driving duties (whilst on Tour), will automatically be awarded a place in the team for the final scheduled game. This is to avoid waiting about without the option of a drink (or ten).

 

 

 

 

 

Tour TFC

 

A legendary effort is to rock up on Tour and play no cricket and simply drink. First performed by Martin Westmoreland on the trip to Hythe & Dibden in 2016.

 

 

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( Link to 2016 Tour Ratings )

 

 

 

Tour TFC II

 

A legendary effort is to rock up on Tour and play no cricket and simply drink. Salad did appear in whites on the Tour to Brighton in 2021, he kept wicket and did pretty much fuck all and subsequently did his calf.

 

 

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( Link to 2021 Tour Ratings )

 

 

 

Tour TFC III

 

A SUPER legendary effort is to rock up on Tour and play no cricket and NOT drink, as was the case with Mark Rundle in 2022 when the team toured the Isle of Wight. Psycho was recovering at the time from dying on the field in May.

 

 

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Train

 

A preferred mode of transport for Tour for the pissheads and giant mallards within the team and used to great success for the trip to Weston-Super-Mare. See also “Thomas Tank Engine”.

 

 

 

 

 

Train Fence

 

In 2013, after several balls disappeared from view behind a hedgerow and down a grass embankment, Team MAD plugged the hole with a plastic fence they borrowed from the local crèche. This building doubled as the pavilion at Cassington.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Trouble (at the Offices)

 

Back in 2006, under the fresh stewardship of MAD Captain Mr. I. Howarth, the annual fixture against the OU Offices descended into a nasty spat. It centred on OU batsman Silky being bowled by Mr S. L. P. Dobner and then being given a colourful send off. Frank words were exchanged between various parties regarding a car park, and for the following few weeks Ian would be dealing with the subsequent fallout from OU player Joe Organ via email. A slice of said transcript detailed below….

 

 

 

 

 

Tri-game Tournament

 

Back in 2009, the FFTMCC expanded a Sunday fixture against Wootton & Boars Hill CC to include the “touring” OU Offices. The latter’s tour had fallen apart and as such they were forced into a last-minute Tour to… erm, Oxfordshire. The format of the day became a Tri-game T15 affair with the eventual winners being nobody as the final was tied.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Tumble Drier

 

After being hauled around Oxfordshire for years, pissed on by feral dogs and being taken on many a booze-soaked Tour, it finally came to the time for Giant Duck to receive a decent wash after the Cumnor game of 2020.

 

 

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Turf Tavern

 

Famed academic watering hole in the very heart of Oxford City Centre, the Turf Tavern served as base camp for getting carted for the Battisford touring game of 2017.

 

Please note: the result was not a good one.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Twelfth Man

 

If MAD Fantasy Cricket wasn’t convoluted enough, competition orchestrator Mr Hoskins decided on adding a “12th man” option to any entrant’s team (in addition to 3 batsmen, 3 bowlers and a keeper). These eight individuals must not exceed 130 points in valuation.

 

 

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Twinkle

 

Stephen Dobner’s first work of fiction (under his nickname), thought lost after going out of circulation in the early 80s, was rediscovered in a central Oxford street market by teammate Mr Rundle. Still in a relatively modest condition with slight signs of wear and tear, it more than earns its place on the MAD website.

 

 

 

 

 

Twinkling

 

An amusing reference to a player who is showing signs of anger and irritation. Barrow Boy Steve Dobner, nicknamed “Twinkle”, could be found demonstrating the art on Sunday afternoons back in the day (when he bothered to play of course). See also “Nutcase”.

 

 

 

 

 

U-bend

 

Following some insipid weather whilst on Tour in 2003, The MAD organised a Cricket ‘Pairs’ Competition after sourcing a pitch but no opponent. During the “fun”, Martin Westmorland smashed a delivery off Ian Howarth clean out the park. The ball would later be relocated having finally come to rest under the U-bend of the pavilion toilet.

 

 

 

 

 

Ugly (Incident)

 

Let’s have this right … Tall Bob is far from ugly, being a handsome giant of a man. However, on the Tour to Brighton in 2021, he would decide in his infinite wisdom to field a ball off his own bowling by using his head (as opposed to his hands). Still, if there was one positive, he did save 4 runs … albeit in doing so was fined for a dropped catch.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Umbrella

 

An iconic image from 2013, which remains carved into the collective MAD subconscious, is that of Gary Timms holding a striped umbrella over the bedraggled Wootton & Bladon CC scorer, Derek Hambridge. The match was a joke on many levels, but at least it gave up one of the greatest match reports (and photos).

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Unbelievable

 

Can anyone quite believe just how the final match of the season finished against Isis CC on September 8, 2013?

 

It was Mr. Westmoreland’s final game in charge after five long years, with the team securing a quite astonishing 2 run victory after Isis batsman, Nick Wyatt, stood on his stumps hitting the winning boundary. Utterly unbelievable.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Utter Pisshead

 

Not that many of the club’s members are exempt from being labelled utter pissheads, but none of them have quite achieved the benchmark set by Mr Thorburn. Back in the day, Mike would regularly drink his own bodyweight in ale, and that was before the match.

 

 

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